I spend a lot of time with my children. I also spend of lot of time doing things for them. Lately, I’m noticing two opposing schools of thought. Some parents don’t want their children to think the whole world revolves around them and others are acting like the whole world should. I can’t consume myself with making sure that my children know the world doesn’t revolve around them. On the other hand, I don’t want to spend time on trying to make sure others know how to treat my child. In either situation I wouldn’t be very good at giving them a world in which to learn. I think that life is full of no’s, especially if you are a child. Everywhere they go there are height limits, age limits, and people who don’t appreciate children in general. It’s harder to be a child in today’s world than people think. It’s good to make their world more friendly and accessible. I’m not making them think that life is easy and revolves around them, I’m letting them know that they have a parent who is trustworthy and always there to help them. Parent’s should be generous with their time, money, and resources. Generosity won’t make children selfish, but a lack of it might.
In many instances, there are parents who seem to show their children that the world *should* revolve around them. Some parents embrace unschooling philosophies, then mistakenly expect others to do the same. It could be family, friends, doctors, or a cashier at the store. For example, unschooling families don’t usually require use of the word please everytime a child wants something. There is usually a deeper understanding of coerced manners and plenty of thought that goes into living this way. However, just because *you* don’t require it doesn’t mean that others feel the same way. In my house, there has been many conversations about what is considered polite and who might appreciate certain behaviors.
Recently, we were at Great Wolf Lodge playing Magiquest. Milo wanted some popcorn and said to the woman behind the counter, “Yeah, get me a popcorn.” After she asked him, “Can I help you?”. Probably surprised by his matter of fact confidence, she looked at him with a funny smirk and asked if he could say “Please”. Milo said please and I allowed the situation to play out naturally (if it hadn’t I may have discussed with him later, how to nicely ask someone for something). No harm done. Do I think it’s silly that Milo ordered his popcorn no differently than a grown man might, and she was compelled to make him say please? Sure I do, that is *my* personal opinion. Did I have the right to make her act according my wishes? No, I didn’t, she has the right to be herself. She was in line with societal expectations, probably according to how she was raised and most people were raised. I can let my child know that a lot of people like it when kids say please, without making him feel forced to use nice words. He needs that information.
It’s not a terrible thing for children to learn about societal expectations from society. Being an unschooler doesn’t exempt us from our culture. Being unschooled will give him the confidence and the tools for dealing with many of life’s situations. Being an unschooler means he knows he can trust me to be there for him if and when he needs me. By saying please, he decided whether or not he was comfortable with the request and then simply honored it. I often say that we are living a “real life, right now”. Part of that real life will include deciding if they are ok with the way they are being treated.
In another example, there is much debate in unschooling circles over when and how often children should bathe, comb their hair and change their clothes. I don’t want to get into my personal opinions on these matters. I feel it is up to the individual family and situation. However, I *do* want to discuss other people’s reactions to dirty, smelly, or otherwise unkempt children. Children need to know what is expected of them in certain situations or by certain people. If my sister’s fancy wedding requests my children be “neat and clean” then that is her right. Showing up with a dirty kid, who just stepped out of the sandbox isn’t doing anything for my child’s interactions with the world or for my relationship with my sister. If my mother doesn’t want to go out in public with my child because he is not bathed or has messy hair then that is her right. These are hypothetical situations, I don’t even have a sister of marrying age or kids who won’t change their clothes, however, my point is that I cannot control other people’s reactions to my lifestyle. It doesn’t mean it’s an “end all” either. What I *can* do is share that info as respectfully as possible with my child and help him meet his needs. If he really wants to go with grandma, but grandma wants him clean, then we can find a way to wash or straighten his hair that is comfortable to him. Grandma may even be willing to compromise. This is far different from the need to protect your child from physical or emotional harm. It is not harmful to a child if someone requires a please, or if someone says “I’m not taking you anywhere until you bathe.” That’s life, and that’s how they will learn about the people around them and if they choose to be around that person. Remember, your child has the right to say no and choose not to go with Grandma, and quite often some children do. Some might argue that it would be manipulative for someone to require something of your child like the examples I’ve given. This is true given an unschooling perspective, but given a mainstream perspective things like manners, and bathing, and combed hair are normal. Trying to coerce someone else to treat my child exactly like I would, is also manipulative and I’d prefer try and help the two parties communicate their needs to each other rather than be combative.
I hear stories like this a lot! Parents suddenly learn all these new ways to think about childhood, and how to treat their children, which is good! However, they somehow get the misconception that others need to treat their children the same way. Unschooling doesn’t give parents the right to control others, and acting like it does is not a good example of unschooling or to give your children. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, we can get really excited about unschooling and we want others to feel that same joy that we do. We want to change the entire world! Just remember that you are changing the world just by raising your children mindfully.
Unschooling and even mindful parenting is new and strange to many people! For me, it is better to walk side by side, planting seeds as I go rather than to try and force the cultivation of new ideas within another person.
I just watched the Radical Unschooling portion of Radical Parenting on Discovery Health. As expected, I’m slightly disappointed. I didn’t have high hopes for the program because going on television and trying to explain Radical Unschooling in 20 minutes is similar to learning Chinese in an hour. I hate the word impossible, but it’s likely that it can’t be done.
First of all, it is hard to bring a valid view of Radical Unschooling using such a young family. While Sarah and Chris Parent did a wonderful job, we really needed more examples and a few of those spectacular teens and grown unschoolers I know! Discovery Health obviously chopped it all up and left in the points that could easily be argued, but understandably so! If the show wasn’t shocking or somewhat entertaining then no one would watch it!
One expert kept calling it “experiential learning”. I really took to that right away. What a great way to describe how unschooled children learn! Right after that, another expert told us that these children were left “on their own” for things like reading, sleeping, and playing! This couldn’t be further from the truth! Unschooled children have their parents all the time. I don’t know any unschooled children who are left “to their own devices” as another put it. What they failed to grasp was that the parents are there all the time acting as facilitators and guides; meeting the children’s needs and supporting their passions and interests.
The big issue seemed to be college. A huge, huge point that I think Discovery Health failed to bring to light, is that children can and will learn what they need to know, when they need to know it. There is no magical age that one needs to learn anything at all. That fact has been proven again and again by grown and successful unschoolers all over the US. The one thing that unschooler’s will recognize however, is that college is a choice, not a requirement.
It’s really hard to present unschooling to the general public. I applaud the Parent family for their decision to unschool and the way they presented themselves, but I think Discovery Health is highly misinformed on the subject and crazy to try and present it in a 20 minute segment.
My ten cents.
For more information on Unschooling there are helpful links on the side of my blog or you can read more of my writing by following the links below.
The program will air again. Here’s the link for the schedule. Radical Parenting
We’re on a roll with the face painting and I’m loving every minute of it. The one problem with a human canvas is that unlike a regular canvas, is that they can say no! Luckily, he is asking me!
Milo and I were reading Calvin and Hobbes this evening, while Skylar and TJ are at the IMAX theater watching Avatar. Phoenix took a nap and we had the idea to paint Milo a tiger like Hobbes! It’s the first time I’ve used the face paints since being in Seattle!
A long time ago I couldn’t imagine how a family survived with one car. It was such a foreign concept and I knew I didn’t want to do it. Here we are in WA, with one vehicle. Oddly enough, I didn’t even really realize it until the other day. I knew we had one car but, I suddenly realized that we had one car and were perfectly happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to have our second vehicle and if anyone out there in unschool land is willing to drive it from VT to WA, please get a hold of me. Yes, seriously.
We’re adaptable. I’m really good at going with the flow and allowing life to happen without letting my emotional state get in the way. So, while I miss having my own vehicle, we’re finding ways around it and making the most of nights and weekends when TJ is home from work.
Yesterday, we did a fair amount of sight seeing. We headed over to the Pacific Science Center. Milo really wanted to see the bug exhibit as he’s *really* into insects right now. Isn’t it funny how they get distracted from their original thoughts by all that cool stuff in between! Water play, and salt water tidepool, and meteorites, and foam igloo building, and naked mole rats, and currents of the Puget Sound, and snakes, and electricity play, and phew! Finally, we made it to the bugs, and he wasn’t even interested in what I *thought* he’d like. Go figure. That’s what happens when I have an expectation; it’s completely blown away by someone else’s free will.
We also visited the Fremont Troll. This guy is amazing. It is mixed media and built by Steve Badanes, Will Martin, Donna Walter, and Ross Whitehead. This particular submission winner was chosen as a way to deter dumping and drug dealers. I’m sure it has worked since the troll was crawling with people. Although, behind the troll, tucked way under the bridge were some *camps* that clearly belonged to homeless people. Skylar in his own view of the world asked about them, and when I said something about it *sucks to have to live under a bridge*, he exclaimed how awesome it would be to live there, or under a bridge at all. His imagination ran away with the prospects. I think I could see a movie idea brewing. I didn’t interupt, we can discuss homelessness another time.
I’ve been sick for the last week or so. I must have picked something up from the UWWG, since I started feeling badly as soon as I got home. I will affectionately label this one as the “conference crud”. At least one of us gets it after each conference. I’ve been so tired, and not really wanting to do more than sit on the computer and veg out. With these three boys, you can only imagine what our home looks like! Our basement, which also happens to be the playroom, looked like someone had turned it upside down and shook it out onto the floor. Not getting it? Let me see if I can help you conjure up a nice visual. OK so, our playroom, ate your playroom and then vomited all over my house. How’s that?
I am feeling so much better today, thanks to the passing of time and possibly Dana Ellis’ magic soup (that she hand delivered, along with some of her fine coffee – how’s THAT for service)! I went into the basement this morning knowing I was going to finally clean it, and I wound up thinking about how in years past cleaning a house this size (2100 sq. ft.) would have completely overwhelmed me. I might have done it, but not without complaining, possibly some whining, and certainly not without bitching about the mess to whichever family member happened to be lucky enough to be within earshot. I’ve learned that in order to not become overwhelmed with the housecleaning, I needed to make it more manageable. There are a few things I do in my home that help me tremendously.
Shelves, bins, and baskets. I don’t really like the word messy. I haven’t come up with anything better, but when you are home a lot, things get messy, really messy. It’s a lived-in house. Parents who send their children to school have a much easier time keeping their house clean because no one is *in* the house all day. All over my house there are shelving units, bins, and baskets. Personally, I like it when everything has its own place. It’s the only way I feel organized. Granted, nothing seems to ever BE in its place but, at least it HAS a place! Having lots of shelves, bins and baskets ensures that the toys always have a place to go, and I can keep the clutter organized. It also makes for a super fast clean-up if and when I need to.
Space Management. It’s overwhelming to look at an entire house or an entire playroom and think about the house cleaning that needs to be done. When I went downstairs this morning to pick up, I started in one corner and worked my way through the room. I work from the top down and in 3ft. x 3ft. squares. No, I don’t get out a measuring tape, I just sort of visualize a small square to clean and I clean it. Then, I move on to the next square. By cleaning small chunks at a time, I feel productive and I can actually *see* the cleaning that is happening vs. running all over the room picking up random objects. When I clean that way, I become overwhelmed and easily frustrated because nothing ever seems to look any different!
Vacuum as you go (or sweep or dust): After I’ve cleaned a space I tend to vacuum (or sweep) it. Even if it’s a little space. It helps motivate me to keep going and there is no reason a small part of the room can’t look nice. I do the same for shelves or the kitchen counters. I clean, square by square, and after a few squares I wash the shelves. They always look so nice and shiny. I need that instant gratification, even if tiny.
Know your limits. Everyone is different. I can clean all day, some people can only clean for short periods of time. Flylady has the greatest idea of using 15 minute timers for cleaning. For people who absolutely hate cleaning, picking something small, and setting a timer for 15 minutes is a great idea. This doesn’t work for everyone, and Flylady sends out so many emails a day, her program isn’t realistic for everyone. When I start feeling frustrated or fed-up, that’s my cue to stop cleaning and find something enjoyable to do for awhile before I go back to it. There is no hard and fast rule that I have to clean in a bad mood.
Change your perspective: When my house is especially cluttered, I think to myself that the kids must have been learning a lot. When the dishes are all dirty, I think about how much they’ve grown and I break out the paper stuff instead. When the laundry is piled up high, I am thankful the kids are changing into clean clothes! My house has people in it. Happy, busy people who leave things everywhere. I am thankful they are here. I always feel it’s a good idea to set myself up for success. When I find myself seeing housework as drudgery then I find a way to make it pleasant. Music is one of my best cleaning tools. Some people love scented candles, or nice smelling cleaner. Maybe you want some nice soft cleaning rags. At the UWWG, I heard Kelly Lovejoy recommend to someone who didn’t like washing dishes, getting some nice dishes, something you love that is nice to touch and wash. That is a GREAT idea. Make the experience pleasurable and you will find it easier to change your perspective. Mary Poppins wasn’t wrong when she said, “In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun”.
Lower your expectations: Especially when kids are little! We are home a lot more, our home is USED for a lot more. I allow it to be “lived in”. Perfectly neat and tidy homes are boring anyway.
Whenever I’m feeling negative about something, I stop and ask myself, Why? Why am I feeling this way? Many of us were brought up with forced chores and/or the ideal that the house *must* be clean and that has left so many of us with feelings of resentment or anger over the housework. But WHY should housecleaning be so negative? By cleaning, I am expressing love for my home, love for my family, and love for myself. I truly believe the more work I put in when they are little the less I’ll be doing when they are older. I’m already seeing evidence of that with my eleven year old, who is more and more happy to help out when I need him to. It’s hard when they are little to keep a tidy home but, they will grow up someday and I might miss them being little.
If you have any tips that make housework more efficient or enjoyable, I’d love to hear them.
So, Optimus Prime has seen enough and has decided to see a little bit of California with a new Geocaching friend. He seems happy in his soul searching travels as he left this poem in his log:
“And how we dance
when the carefree
blows winds
of possibility
through unkept hair
when the only
overwhelming kiss
shudders skin
laughs between
parting lips
just yesterday
we spun ourselves
dizzy
collapsing under
sunny skies
smiles
piles and piles.
piles.
of smiles.”
I love his poem, and it makes me smile to know that Optimus is smiling. I think he has met someone inspiring and maybe someone special. *wink* Happy Trails Optimus!
To follow the friends from the beginning:
I wrote a short post for Darcel, over at The Mahogany Way. I’ve never been a guest blogger before! It was a lot of fun. In the beginning we couldn’t really decide on a topic. Then after I came back from the conference it sort of hit me. There has been so much talk about Relaxed Homeschooling vs. Unschooling vs. Radical Unschooling that I thought a short post giving my case for Radical Unschooling would be appropriate.
I haven’t been feeling great, it isn’t my best work, but it’s clear and concise. Just the way I like to write.
I hope you enjoy it!
Guest Post: My Case For Radical Unschooling
Last summer our family took up Geocaching. Geocaching is basically global treasure hunting. We use our GPS to find “caches” hidden in parks, cities, forests and well, almost anywhere. Before we left Vermont we placed 5 Travel Bugs into one cache. Travel Bugs are items that are given a tracking number and travel from cache to cache via Geocachers (people). Our group is Optimus Prime, Darth Vader, WD-4D (The First Autodidactic Droid), Liberty (formerly known as Belle), and Jaques Le Sock. (Clicking on the links will take you to their bio page). We named our group, “The 5 Unlikely Friends”. Each Travel Bug has a beginning story attached and we are hoping that as they are each picked up and brought to a new cache, the traveler will add a little to their journal (log entry) on the Geocaching.com website. Eventually, we are hoping we can direct our Travel Bugs to a park that happens to be right next door to us. Those are future plans though. First, we’ll be tracking them all on a giant map we are planning to make and hang on our wall.
I figured we wouldn’t hear anything until *at least* April. After all, it IS February and we left the Travel Bugs in a cache in Vermont! When I woke up this morning I was definitely surprised to get this note:
“With the help of [name omitted] we are dropping off Optimus Prime (GC1Y9Q3), here in San Diego, to start his serious soul searching. Whether it be active, reflective or just plain laid back! What better place than the west coast for this autonomous robot. Set yourself free.”
Optimus Prime has traveled about as far as we have! We put some serious time and effort into this project, gathering the objects, ordering the tags, and writing their stories. I am SO excited that our project has finally begun! Woo-hoo! We’re going geocaching tomorrow now that we’ve all been inspired. I hope the weather is as nice as it has been all week.
Enjoy San Diego Optimus!!! (Yeah… we’re on a first name basis)
I’m going to be very careful with my words. I know someone who works for the TSA. I need to make the disclaimer that I am in no way trying to offend or hassle this person.
With that said. The TSA does absolutely nothing that makes me feel safer. They make me feel violated and less than an American citizen. When we check our bags in Cleveland on the way home from speaking at an Unschooling conference, they had us leave our bags and verified that we left them unlocked. Dude! That’s my stuff! Airport screeners are allowed to go through your dirty laundry. Literally!
Then off to airport security you go. Leave your shoes, your jacket, all your liquids, and all metal in a bucket to they can x-ray it. Baby has a bottle of milk? Too bad, they need to screen it. Little kids? Too bad. Make ‘em lose the sweatshirt and there Nintendo Ds’s. Baby is sleeping in a sling with metal rings? Too bad take him out and walk through the metal detector again or risk having an agent search you and your baby. Actually, that wasn’t even presented to me as an option. They said, “we’ll get a female agent” and I said, “Can’t I just take it off and walk through again?” Fuck that man. I HATE flying. I don’t feel ANY safer than I did before 9/11. In fact, I feel more violated, more untrusted, and less safe than EVER.
Someone please tell me, while I was waking the baby, or tending to my confused kids, or watching them take away the baby bottle… how my husband was able to walk through the metal detector with this:
Make no mistake. This is the sharpest friggin’ knife we own. And we own a few. This one will cut flesh and bone if needs to. A quick google search for “TSA missed my knife” pulled up an awful lot of results like the three below. How do you feel now?
TSA misses Swiss Army Knife but confiscates dangerous pudding.
TSA checks keyboard but misses large Swiss Army Knife
The TSA is a complete joke and not a funny one.
(BTW – I did not make up the titles)
In the end we were thankful they did not find it. First of all, it was a mistake. TJ always has the knife in his pocket along with some change and guitar picks. He’s had it since before we got together. He’d be awfully upset if it was taken from him. Not to mention the hassle that may have been brought about if further suspicions were put on him.
