I used to be naturally a lenient parent. I allowed my older son a lot of freedom. His personality was better dealt with trust and independence. There are things I’m not going to get into here about the issues he had as a little guy. I have my suspicions where, how, why, these came to be such a contributing factor in his life. The point I am making here, is that I started listening to other people. When people started telling me to be strict. I did. When his “wildness” caused a problem for others, I listened to other people who told me I need to set more rules, give him more direction, and set up boundaries. I spent more time in Kindergarten parent teacher meetings than most people has spent in parent teacher meeting EVER. Every meeting was about how we were going to “control” him. I went from a parent who followed her instincts to listening to the second hand advice of Dr. Phil and Oprah. I couldn’t stand myself, my children, or my life. I’ve spent YEARS trying to control my out of control child. Something had to give. There is no way that life had to be so miserable and unrewarding. I couldn’t help but think that I knew there was a better way. I just had to go out and find it.
So, you know what I did? I let go. I let go of the control. I found that if I quit telling him what to do every 9 seconds he made reasonable choices. I found that if I quit telling him what and when to eat he made healthful choices.
I found that if I quit telling him WHAT to learn he became extremely interested the world around him.
When he realized that he wasn’t forced to be around children that were mean and picked on him, he made friends. With everyone!
I found that if I quit controlling him, he smiled. And he smiles a lot.
I wish I could make a documentary about the changes that have been made since I decided to homeschool and let go control. I could go on explaining all those changes, but they are too many. I just know that our family life has improved so greatly that we all truly enjoy each others company. We all enjoy learning with and from each other. My life is my children. I spent an awful lot of time trying to “have me time” and trying to define myself in other ways. But once I let go, I found was I was searching for all along. My children have brought me great joy. The stress I once felt about being a parent is completely gone. Since letting go of the control I have been able to become the confident and loving parent I always wished I could be.
You can call us unschoolers if you wish, but I call us Life Learners. Life long learners, there’s no school about it.
For some weird reason, my Google Reader didn’t show me this new post; glad you mentioned in the group.
I wish I kept a journal remarking on each day, the changes and stages and stress and drama and finally happiness, laughter and love we experienced after taking him out of school. That’s one of the reasons i started this blog, but I should have started a private journal a long time ago for my own self.
Didn’t you say you’re not radical unschooling? IDK, I think you’re pretty dang radical!
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I *heart* this post! WTG mama!!
I am from Myspace btw.
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What an amazing post! I just found your blog today. I am a new home schooler as well. The only thing I am structured about is math. If I don’t say ” you need to find time this morning to get your math done”, he won’t do it. Everything else he just does on his own. Isn’t it amazing..
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I was telling a friend of mine that Jerry would probably still be asleep at 2 or 3 in the afternoon (or something like that) because he stays up until between 4 and 6 and my friend shook his head and said something like, “If you don’t control him now you’ll never be able to get control when he’s older.” I was so confused by his comment that I couldn’t even respond. I just kind of looked at him, I guess. I realized later it was because “control” isn’t even on my radar. I’m not trying to control him now so why would I want to control him later? It’s strange how people think controlling a person helps them to make good decisions later in life. Making decisions now helps them to make better decisions later. Duh!
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Heather Reply:
August 31st, 2010 at 6:32 pm
I wonder why people think staying up late is “out of control”?
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Love it!
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HI Heather-
Thanks for the post. It is a good reminder of my dreams for myself and my family and that challenges, once pushed though, can result in amazing growth. Thank you for your always inspiring and thought provoking post. I always look forward to reading them.
Laura
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