Sometimes I hear people calling it permissive parenting. I don’t really like the word “permissive”. It has a connotation of control. Like I’m allowing or not allowing something. I think one can have boundaries or implement boundaries without resorting to control, or in this case no control. I’m not sure if I like the word unparenting, because it says to me that I’m parenting differently. Like unschooling. So while there is no perfect word, there certainly is a description and a problem.
Sometimes, when I’m on message boards or groups I come across parents who take the extreme route of their interpretation of total freedom. They don’t step in when their child is hitting, name calling, or hurting someone else emotionally or physically. All in the name of freedom. How is that freedom? What about theirs, or others freedom? I don’t know if they are afraid they will do it wrong; or if they really think that’s what unschooling is. I think it’s irresponsible to leave the children to figure it out themselves. It’s irresponsible to not give them the information they need to communicate effectively. I’ve seen kids left to kick the crap out of each other way too often.
I have very active and physical boys. They are strong willed, and intense. One more so than the other. However, they communicate quite well. I’m not saying that communication lapses don’t happen, or that the kids don’t fight, or that I don’t screw up once in awhile. I’m saying that in my eyes, it’s not ok to hurt someone, emotionally or physically. If the boys are getting angry with each other and they are hitting, kicking, or hurting each other, I stop them. I physically stop them. I usually help the loser first. He needs my help first. I’ve also found that it’s best not to say anything at all to the other child. If child A sees me consoling child B, then he usually gets it. Yes, things can get complicated, but there are ways to help. Children don’t need to “cry it out” or “fight it out”. They need us to give them the tools to “figure it out”. We almost always talk later. In the heat of the moment is not the best time to talk. These are often the situations where I am perfectly ok with saying “no!” or something that conveys “this is not cool”.
Bad communication reverberates right down the line from grandparents to parents to children. This is where I’m trying to change. This is where many of us are trying to change. When I’m having a particularly bad day, which I’ve had a few since the pregnancy began, you can tell in my children. They are like little echoes of my own behavior. They feed off me. It’s a really huge responsibility, and it’s really hard sometimes. It’s a responsibility I took up when I had children and I’m not giving it up anytime soon.
I know in the beginning, and especially when hanging out with veteran unschoolers, I had no idea how to react and felt stupid asking them how they would react. Often times I wouldn’t react while trying to figure it out. Never in terms of violence, but other things.
There are however times in our unschooling group when the kids – who are all extremely close – get into it with each other. We usually don’t step in. We’ve found we make it worse. Instead we allow them to come to us if the situation is getting too big. But usually they all work it out and forget it happened. We obviously can’t do this when there are newbies around.
I think it’s easy for others to look at what we’re doing and see only what we’re *not* doing. They don’t get to see the conversations or “A-ha” moments that happen behind the scenes. Many times I let Z push some boundaries so that he could see the reactions from those around him. I kept myself out of it so he could see the real effects of something he did/said. I don’t care anymore how it looks to people who don’t get what we do. Just like I don’t mind when I feel the need to say stop or no around veterans anymore.
I think I just no longer give a rat’s a$$ what anyone thinks of us anymore. We all just gotta do what we do and know *we* know the truth. As well as learn right along side our kids.
Either way it’s about non-judgement. I’m good at not accepting judgement. I probably still give it too often. Especially to “conventional” parents. You should write a post about that!
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It seems like I especially see Liz echoing things from me once I’m making an effort to change a particular thing. Then I have to remind myself it’s not fair to get annoyed with the 15 year old for doing something I’ve only just realized isn’t cool at 40. Go figure.
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