Well no, it doesn’t exactly work that way. There aren’t any guarantees in life, so placing that kind of expectation upon a child isn’t going to get anyone anything except disappointment. And seriously, who wants to feel disappointed in a child? It’s time to drop the expectations and really understand what is meant by this term, modeling.
I want to be the most authentic, the most loving, the most joyful me that I can be. I don’t mean that I want to run around with a blind smile on my face. I don’t mean that I will love you or anyone else unconditionally. I am a real person, with real feelings, with real dreams, and real hopes. I want my children to know me as this. I want them to know that I would go to the ends of the earth to help them meet their needs. when they grow up I don’t want them saying “mom used to bitch about (xyz) all the time”. I want them to remember me loving and caring for them, and their things and our home and family.
Modeling “good behavior” with the intent of getting “good results” is not authentic living. Model it because it is the person you want to be. My life has not always been a joyful one. Joy has been a struggle for me, but it’s something I’ve always wanted. Something I knew I could have. In the beginning I even faked it awhile. Negativity was so easy to me, I had to practice being joyful for a long time. Life IS joyful and wonderful. That’s what children should see. I don’t want to model drudgery and disrespect in my home. That is projecting drudgery and disrespect onto the ones I love.
I would like to give my children a full, wonderful, and interesting life. However, a part of that life is housework, a part of that life is yard work, a part of that life is car repairs, a part of that life is all the small things that seem to drive people nuts every day. Picking up the dishes 3 times a day could easily annoy me. Tripping over toys strewn throughout the living room for the umpteenth time could easily upset me, and marker on the dining room walls could easily anger me. How I choose to handle these situations is the key. They ARE watching. They ARE listening. if i get irritated, upset, angry, I need to evaluate WHY. Why am I feeling this way? There could be a number of reasons. If it’s truly a problem, I need to problem solve. There are many solutions to life’s issues. Be creative, be connected, talk to the kids, ask them for help in finding a solution. There is no one way to do anything.
I want to live a more peaceful life. So many parents, parent without ANY peace or joy. If actions are full of expectations and intentions are to change to someone else, it’s time to think about what is being modeled. When the expectations are dropped, the full connection with children can be experienced. Model something because it’s who you want to be, not because you want a certain result. Modeling is more about YOU than your children.
Just giving you a thumbs up! Sometimes I just read blogs nod and never say anything. Just want you to know I appreciate your way of articulating!
I agree with this post and it’s so easy to be negative.
I do struggle with that but I am always working on the positive.
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Thanks Stephanie! This post is a reminder to me as well! When I’m “on” it’s so wonderful! When I’m “off” I can come back and read my own blog. LOL
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Great post! I had to read it several times to get it all in. You’re right, expecting something (like good behavior) from your child almost ALWAYS leads to disappointment, and it is just NO FUN for anyone.
I seem to be acutely aware of other parents and their lack of joy more and more everyday. I just want to tell them that it doesn’t have to be like that, but instead, I have decided to live my life and let them see our joy, and maybe they will someday ask how to get some!
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Good explanation. I think “modelling” is a step toward that living the way you want living to be. But the next step (which can’t really be the first step) is to think of it as “being.”
If you were to tell a brand new unschooler, though, “just be the person you want to be,” they might think you weren’t giving them any advice at all!
But by thinking of it as “being,” it comes back full circle: “Be something because it’s who you want to be, not because you want a certain result. Being is more about YOU than your children.”
Good post.
http://sandradodd.com/being
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Thanks Sandra. I can remember when I was an angst ridden teenager, saying to my mom. “Just let me be”. I knew what I meant then. It’s amazing how easy it is to forget now. How it’s so easy to to lose that “being” with intentions, whether good or bad.
I’ve been reading “Where Ever You Go, There You Are”. So far so good. Talks a lot about “being”, and connection, and mindfulness.
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