Explaining the difference between rules and principles and therefore boundaries is difficult for a child to understand. The topic came up today after we had a small incident in the house. I came up with a really good way to explain to Skylar the difference between setting a rule and setting a boundary.
“Rules are about you. Boundaries are about me.” This can apply in many situations. If the rule is “no name calling” than you cannot do it. If you break the rule and you call me a name I will punish you by handing down the consequence I see fit. It is all about how YOU act. But with a boundary, “no calling me names”, I choose how I act after you call me a name. I don’t like name calling, so I will likely be angry with or want to get away from you for awhile. Today, this resulted in being late to pick up a friend and go to the beach. A natural consequence. I didn’t do it on purpose, I didn’t do it with the intent on punishing, I retreated to the backyard, called a friend and talked it out so that I could handle the situation better, without resorting to my old parenting techniques.
It all turned out just fine. We talked in the car on the way to pick up the friend. When I started struggling to explain the difference between a rule and a personal boundary, is when I came up with that. Rules are about you. Boundaries are about me. He got it, immediately! We’ve had a fair amount of struggles in the past few weeks. This is going to help me understand it better, set some boundaries, and explain it to the kids a little easier. Everyone deserves to feel safe from physical or emotional harm in their own home. Having NO boundaries isn’t a very safe place at all.
setting boundaries in any relationship is hard. it was especially difficult for me when we started unschooling. knowing how to respond when a boundary (of mine) is crossed is equally difficult. i want Z to see my authentic reaction but sometimes my authentic reaction falls back on my old parenting. lol just like i just blogged, i'm always assessing my reaction to Z against what my reaction to a friend would be.
loved the explanation though.
~Tara
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Thanks for sharing that, I'm glad it's working, it makes sense. I'll have to give it more thought since I'm not quite awake yet.
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I like it, and I appreciate your sharing. This is one of those fine lines that leads to confusion often, I think. Anything to help clarify and make it work is helpful.
I hope you had fun at the beach! Maybe we can meet at Branberry sometime (I've never had to spell Branberry, I wonder if that is how it is spelled).
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I needed to brief explanation for him. I had tried a few different ways and he kept saying "I don't get it". Sometimes, I think Skylar does what TJ does, and thinks very hard, and sometimes that becomes too hard and simpler concepts get a little jumbled. Then again, maybe that happens to me to, because I was having trouble with the concept for a couple years!!!
And yes, making sure I was reacting authentically to the issues that arose, rather than in some contrived,"I'm going to teach you a lesson" kind of way came with practice. I still often take some time to think about a situation before I react.
I would really like to find the time to expand upon this. Boundaries are such a gift for all kids. In SOOOOO many different ways.
Now, to help the kids respect EACH OTHERS boundaries is a whole other ballgame. They have been finding it difficult lately. Ideas welcome!
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I forgot! Andrea… we could definitely meet at Branbury beach sometime! Just tell me when is good for you!
I'm pretty sure I spelled it right. I guess we will see when we get there huh? LOL
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This is really cool. It's so true. Thanks for putting it down so clearly.
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This post made so much sense to me. Thank you for writing this… I passed it onto my fiance as well. It's so important that we're on the same page with these things, especially while starting out on the transition into mellowing out with Silas.
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