Milo has been trying to flip on the trampoline for awhile. He finally mastered his own version of flipping so I needed to share it. Otherwise the photos are unrelated to the blog post.
We had a full day yesterday. We are usually a pretty laid back family, so two events in one day is big! We visited the King 5 news station in downtown Seattle. It was surreal and amazing. It’s funny how our perspectives from one person to the next are different. Our tour guide, the tour guide for the last 40 years, didn’t get the 4 kids at all. She was trying to shuffle them along, and would repeat herself if they chatted, and did not want them to touch anything, even though some of the engineers invited it. She is clearly from an era that says children should be seen and not heard. Even when I would chit chat with another mom, she would come over to us, look, and repeat herself! A couple of the news casters never left that news caster persona. They knew how to talk at you and sometimes a little condescendingly (I doubt they realized it), but not really *to* you. Very strange indeed. The kids probably didn’t notice ANY of that! Skylar was in heaven with all the electronics and screens and cameras! He asked so many questions, he held up the group and annoyed our tour guide. He realized right away that asking her questions was useless and went straight to the source, the engineers and crew. They seemed delighted by his interest and so was I. It was truly an amazing experience for him.
Prior to the tour we went to the park for an unschool park day. We were the only one’s who showed. It was cold, and I half expected it. I guess our Vermont bones were perfectly OK with 47 degree weather! There was another family at the park. The dad was walking around the park and a little girl was following him. She was clearly not happy with the game. I think he wasn’t doing it the way she wanted, and he wouldn’t slow down. So she just kept chasing him and expressing her discontent. A few minutes later, they reappeared on the playground near us and I overheard, “Now, what are the rules? No whining or crying or we are leaving? OK?” “Yes daddy”.
First of all, I *hate* “OK?”. I catch myself saying it sometimes, which would be fine if there were a choice. Please stop hitting your brother, OK? No, no, no! It’s NOT OK. Sheesh! If the other person is not allowed to object, then why oh why would you say, OK? I think that’s something most of us say all the time without realizing what it actually implies.
When the father spoke, in my mind I heard something completely different. I heard, “Do not feel your spontaneous and authentic emotions. And certainly do not express discontent with what I am doing.” Am I right? That *is* what he was saying isn’t it? Why do we get so annoyed when a child starts whining? Why didn’t the dad just ask her what was wrong? I know that when my children get “whiny” they are usually tired, hungry, upset, or possibly I’m just not listening to them. All problems that I can easily tend to. Sometimes, when they whine, I have a huge feeling of helplessness come over me if I can’t immediately fix the problem, but I can listen. Listening helps them to know that their feelings are important to me, and they really are.
Why don’t people want children to feel? It seems so important that they are in touch with their emotions. While schools are turning out children with more and more cases of depression and other forms of mental anguish, it seems to me that we would want to allow our little ones to express themselves freely when they are sad or unhappy. Of course we would never shut a child up who was expressing happiness on the playground would we?
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve witnessed similar scenes, and wondered what in the world is wrong with some adults? Because if the dad was uncomfortable/hungry/tired/cold, he is free to articulate that. Not a fair standard at all. The last comparable scenario I witnessed was at a doctor’s office. A very happy/active toddler was just bouncing all over the place, and her mama kept trying to make her sit still. I was the only other person in the waiting room, so I said to her, ‘She is not bothering me at all by playing around, I’m happy she’s able to do so!’ Her mama seemed to lighten up a little after that.
You know, I never really thought about the ‘okay’, so you’ve given me something to watch out for, and think about.
Congrats to Milo on the flip! I still can’t do one!!
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I love your telling of the news station visit. It just sounds so familiar – at least of the way I was. The funniest part is the tour guide who sticks to her standards even when the actual staff are inviting you to slow down and learn more.
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I believe there’s still a very strong cultural pressure that children should be seen and not heard. Model perfect, self-contained, tightly self-controlled little adults. And children who don’t fit that mold show clearly that their parents are failures. A generation ago, “misbehavior” was a clear message that the parents were failing in their disciplinary efforts. Now, with the incredibly sharp segregation of our society (mainstream, prime-of-life adults in the spotlight, children and aged institutionalized), the rise of the militantly “childless by choice”, and the selfish spotlight-grabbing of the adults, many of us parents have a strong and often unrealized fear that our children will be mistreated (or we harshly judged as adults) if our children don’t fall into line. (An appropriate use of a military term, I think.)
I know I’ve had to work very, very hard to not allow myself to be controlled by the negative reactions of others to my children. (Five of them, 10 down to 2, all unschooled.) From the sales clerk at Payless Shoes who spoke impatiently to my 4 year old who was exploring the sock display (I think he had removed three or four pair–which drove the uptight clerk nuts), to strangers at the grocery store who roll their eyes or glare at us, or (laughably worse) mutter “Breeders!” under their breath.
Indeed, we live in a world full of children, battle-seasoned on the playground, and grown into adults not realizing that there’s a much better way than to turn around and oppress the young.
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Heather Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 8:43 am
It’s hard not to feel others around you especially during more stressful times. I put on virtual blinders and look directly into their eyes and just focus on them.
We DO live in a world full of children, but no one ever sees them until the weekends. That in my mind is terribly sad.
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