Cultural Expectations: Focus on Your Own Family

I spend a lot of time with my children.  I also spend of lot of time doing things for them.  Lately, I’m noticing two opposing schools of thought.  Some parents don’t want their children to think the whole world revolves around them and others are acting like the whole world should.  I can’t consume myself with making sure that my children know the world doesn’t revolve around them.  On the other hand, I don’t want to spend time on trying to make sure others know how to treat my child.  In either situation I wouldn’t be very good at giving them a world in which to learn.  I think that life is full of no’s, especially if you are a child.  Everywhere they go there are height limits, age limits, and people who don’t appreciate children in general.  It’s harder to be a child in today’s world than people think.  It’s good to make their world more friendly and accessible.  I’m not making them think that life is easy and revolves around them, I’m letting them know that they have a parent who is trustworthy and always there to help them.  Parent’s should be generous with their time, money, and resources.  Generosity won’t make children selfish, but a lack of it might.

In many instances, there are parents who seem to show their children that the world *should* revolve around them.  Some parents embrace unschooling philosophies, then mistakenly expect others to do the same.  It could be family, friends, doctors, or a cashier at the store.  For example, unschooling families don’t usually require use of the word please everytime a child wants something.  There is usually a deeper understanding of coerced manners and plenty of thought that goes into living this way.  However, just because *you* don’t require it doesn’t mean that others feel the same way.  In my house, there has been many conversations about what is considered polite and who might appreciate certain behaviors.

Recently, we were at Great Wolf Lodge playing Magiquest.  Milo wanted some popcorn and said to the woman behind the counter, “Yeah, get me a popcorn.” After she asked him, “Can I help you?”.  Probably surprised by his matter of fact confidence, she looked at him with a funny smirk and asked if he could say “Please”.  Milo said please and I allowed the situation to play out naturally (if it hadn’t I may have discussed with him later, how to nicely ask someone for something).  No harm done.  Do I think it’s silly that Milo ordered his popcorn no differently than a grown man might, and she was compelled to make him say please?  Sure I do, that is *my* personal opinion.  Did I have the right to make her act according my wishes?  No, I didn’t, she has the right to be herself.  She was in line with societal expectations, probably according to how she was raised and most people were raised.  I can let my child know that a lot of people like it when kids say please, without making him feel forced to use nice words.  He needs that information.

It’s not a terrible thing for children to learn about societal expectations from society.  Being an unschooler doesn’t exempt us from our culture.  Being unschooled will give him the confidence and the tools for dealing with many of life’s situations.  Being an unschooler means he knows he can trust me to be there for him if and when he needs me.  By saying please, he decided whether or not he was comfortable with the request and then simply honored it.  I often say that we are living a “real life, right now”.  Part of that real life will include deciding if they are ok with the way they are being treated.

In another example, there is much debate in unschooling circles over when and how often children should bathe, comb their hair and change their clothes. I don’t want to get into my personal opinions on these matters.  I feel it is up to the individual family and situation.  However, I *do* want to discuss other people’s reactions to dirty, smelly, or otherwise unkempt children.  Children need to know what is expected of them in certain situations or by certain people.  If my sister’s fancy wedding requests my children be “neat and clean” then that is her right.  Showing up with a dirty kid, who just stepped out of the sandbox isn’t doing anything for my child’s interactions with the world or for my relationship with my sister.  If my mother doesn’t want to go out in public with my child because he is not bathed or has messy hair then that is her right.  These are hypothetical situations, I don’t even have a sister of marrying age or kids who won’t change their clothes, however, my point is that I cannot control other people’s reactions to my lifestyle.  It doesn’t mean it’s an “end all” either.  What I *can* do is share that info as respectfully as possible with my child and help him meet his needs.  If he really wants to go with grandma, but grandma wants him clean, then we can find a way to wash or straighten his hair that is comfortable to him.  Grandma may even be willing to compromise.  This is far different from the need to protect your child from physical or emotional harm.  It is not harmful to a child if someone requires a please, or if someone says “I’m not taking you anywhere until you bathe.”  That’s life, and that’s how they will learn about the people around them and if they choose to be around that person.  Remember, your child has the right to say no and choose not to go with Grandma, and quite often some children do.  Some might argue that it would be manipulative for someone to require something of your child like the examples I’ve given.  This is true given an unschooling perspective, but given a mainstream perspective things like manners, and bathing, and combed hair are normal.  Trying to coerce someone else to treat my child exactly like I would, is also manipulative and I’d prefer try and help the two parties communicate their needs to each other rather than be combative.

I hear stories like this a lot!  Parents suddenly learn all these new ways to think about childhood, and how to treat their children, which is good!  However, they somehow get the misconception that others need to treat their children the same way.  Unschooling doesn’t give parents the right to control others, and acting like it does is not a good example of unschooling or to give your children.  Sometimes, especially in the beginning, we can get really excited about unschooling and we want others to feel that same joy that we do.  We want to change the entire world!  Just remember that you are changing the world just by raising your children mindfully.

Unschooling and even mindful parenting is new and strange to many people!  For me, it is better to walk side by side, planting seeds as I go rather than to try and force the cultivation of new ideas within another person.