There’s something I really need to get off my chest.
I, Heather Jean, have been fucking miserable for weeks.
I’ve never transitioned well. Ask my mom. She’s mentioned more than once, “you don’t like change”. I never really understood why she said that until now. I don’t think she has it quite right though. I love change. What I apparently don’t love is transition.
I’ve been stricken with an overwhelming sadness that has torn deep into my soul. At first it wasn’t really explainable. The depression just overwhelmed me. So badly, that I cried everyday for a week. I was so down, that I couldn’t pull myself into reality. I had a long talk about how I was feeling with TJ, and that’s when I knew what was going on. Drumroll….
I’m homesick.
No, you don’t need to go back and reread. I said it. I’m homesick. OK, before anybody gets all excited that I’m coming back, let me state for the record, I have no interest in going home.
Do you *really* think I’m going to get sick of this?
Of course when we talked, I didn’t actually tell TJ what it was. I really didn’t understand how I was feeling. I’ve been in denial for weeks. I thought if I was homesick that it meant I wanted to go home, that I was giving up or that I had made a mistake by moving, but that’s not it at all. I don’t want to go home! I *really* like it here. I *really* like being far away from home, all the newness and challenges that brings with it. Apparently, I’m having some sort of physiological response to being away from the only real home I’ve known for 32 years.
You see, I am the queen of repressed feelings. I’m so good at it, that I don’t even have to try. Feelings make me uncomfortable and squirmy. When things get too emotional I have a *flee* response. I imagine some people think I’m cold, or unfriendly but for whatever reason, I find myself unable to *feel* the way I need to feel unless I’m completely alone. Well, I *have* been spending an awful lot of time alone lately and it really hit me like a ton of bricks. Depression is debilitating.
Those are the the two big reasons for my denial. I didn’t want *me* to know that I was homesick and I didn’t want *you* to know either. Turns out what I really needed all along was to admit it, talk about it, and write about it. So other then making sure I’m healthy what am I doing to change it?
Nothing.
It’s not a sickness, or a disease. It simply means I’m human and that I really am sentimental. It means I really did love lots of things about my home. It means that I’ve learned never to take certain things for granted ever again. Like girlfriends, maple syrup, and weeds that actually die in the winter. Familiarity cures homesickness.
How could I *not* miss this?
My Point
This is a good way to put a giant wedge between partners, and a lousy way to show children how to deal with strong emotions. They all need my honesty and authenticity and I have not been giving that to them. I shouldn’t be showing them that it’s not OK to be homesick, but that’s what I’ve been doing even if inadvertently. If I cry, I need not frantically wipe my eyes or run to the bathroom. I need to be a real human being for them An authentic woman. Something I’ve always aspired to be.
However, I'm going to be that woman, HERE.
My children? They are these amazing little human beings who have taken in every moment of this move with patience and understanding. They have been authentic in their emotions and in their reasoning. We could all stand to learn a lesson from the authenticity of children.
way to go, Heather – you’ve seen down deep and called it by name – now i suggest you get real cozy and intimate with it – cause it will likely come back through out the years in little waves – but, like you, i do NOT want to go back home either – you just need to be in these moments, acknowledge them, allow your Spirit to swim in them and then let them move on – cause i promise, move on they will
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Heather Reply:
March 31st, 2010 at 3:35 pm
You guys rock. Seriously.
@Heather – let’s! There’s even a few places i can walk to from here.
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I couldn’t agree more. The past seven years have been a blur of constant moving for me. Georgia, North Carolina, Tacoma, Iraq, Seattle… Just when I started to get settled in one place, I was off to another. That, or I was traveling for work. Much like you said, the change was always exciting, but the transition was always miserable; homesickness was inevitable.
I’ll always call Vermont home, but I’d like to call this place home one day too. And, luckily for me, a huge piece of my home decided to help out by moving to me.
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I think this is probably one of the reasons you left. It is hard to appreciate this place and see the real beauty, when you have always lived here. VT is an AWESOME place, people move here ALL THE TIME. And young Vermonters, well, they are our greatest export. And that is good, because it is very different away from here. Different good, different expanding, different scary. I remeber one of my first months in AZ, I went out to a bar (I was 22), and I was so excited that I didn’t know ONE PERSON the entire evening! That memory amazes me now, as I relish a trip to the store because I know I will see someone I know. Homesick doesn’t mean you are running home, it means you have stepped away from someplace you love, and have found some new love you weren’t even aware of. And now, you can embrace where you are and find some new things to love (like that view). Oh, and the mud is so miserable here, really, it is a good time to be someplace else.
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I understand completely. The longest I’ve lived anywhere in one place for the past 15 yrs is 2.5 yrs. The longest in my whole entire life is 6 yrs. I have wings but not roots and have been going thru the same thing and feel like I’m just recently starting to see light thru the tunnel after living here 2 yrs. This move was my hardest as well & kids complicate it as there is more time to think but yet not enough for self nurturing. I’d love to grab a beer at the pub one of these nights…
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I’m so glad you posted all this. It becomes less Big and Scary when it gets put out in the light. And it’s just good to write it all out (for me anyway).
And whether you’re sentimental or not, I am and I’m sending you big, fat hugs from here. I just can’t get enough of Authentic Woman like you.
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Heather Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 6:34 am
I’m so glad I posted this too. I felt instantly relieved. Not completely, but I am definitely feeling better already. It feels good to be open and honest even if in a strangely public way. The internet has certainly changed the way we do things! I have good friends and you guys keep encouraging me to write with honesty. I love you.
Samantha’s right. I can be in love with more than one place. And I am. Several actually. And all those places are so wildly different then the others. I guess I just want it all!
So true Ren, I’m surrounded by all these lovely people out here but I’ve been feeling completely alone. It took this long to figure out that I missed seeing my old peeps even as much as I love my new ones.
Julie, it’s cool that we don’t know each other. People always talk about how impersonal the internet is, but I think it’s given people the chance to be *very* personal. Thanks so much for your comment.
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It’s all so good, Heather.
Here’s hoping that taking this step reminds you of how strong you are, and reminds you to be good to you.
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Heather, it’s okay to be in love with more then one place, and to have many fond memories and relish in them…. and to make new ones in new adventures. Your past is your past, you can live in it, with it, and in your future as well! Saw an add for a green festival in Seattle today and was thinking of you, and voila! this amazing post letting Vermont know you were thinking of it! Enjoy every day YOU are the BEST role model for your kiddo’s in your honesty! I love seeing what Seattle is like in your pics & stories!
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As another “queen of denial” I totally understand!! I just don’t like to share a bunch of intimate things with people…it’s not that I don’t feel it, I just haven’t liked sharing it in the past. I’ve learned (and continue to learn) that sharing it opens doors and connections. In big ways. We’re never alone…but it can feel that way when we hide the darkness eh?
Hugs.
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Your post hit home with me so much. 6 months ago I moved from CT to Augusta Ga and was miserable for 3 months – crying everytime I was alone. I too am not good with transition. Love change myself but have a hard time settling in after the fact.
Even though I am starting to settle in Ga – I am miss Ct every day.
It was good to read your post something I had always wanted to write about on my own blog but never did. I think now I will.
i know we have never met – but hugs to you and know there is someone out there in Ga who knows exactly how you are feeling!!
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“If I cry, I need not frantically wipe my eyes or run to the bathroom. I need to be a real human being for them ”
I didn’t know it yesterday but that was just what I needed and quite the gift to my Spirit. This morning finds me again w/ the mayo covered head washing EVERYTHING and the lice thing is freakin me OUT – on top of that stress I pull out of the dryer this stuffed bunny from my childhood I keep next to the bed (I happened to switch pillows yesterday and put my usual one under him so figured he needed some dryer time just to be space).
Well, this beloved ugly old bunny from days gone by has had almost all the white rubbed off his eyes by the dryer (he looks like a freakish zombie!) – his nose and cheeks came off too!
I lost it – just started crying pretty darn hard and holding the bunny and Eli saw me and I almost stuffed it all back in when your words rang out in my mind and I really needed to experience that exhaustion and grief so I let myself cry and he comforted me and when I calmed down I explained what was going on and this amazing child of me smiled at me – told me it would be okay, that he’ll help me fix the bunny and that when I get done washing my mayo head we should go out for doughnuts – cause doughnuts make everything better
and then he brought down his favorite stuffed bunny to share w/ me – how the hell did i ever end up w/ such a heart wide open amazing boy?!?! still feeling really exhausted and spent but now have that beautiful layer of gratitude on top…
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Heather Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 11:11 am
1. rubbing alcohol
2. thanks for sharing that. you brought tears to MY eyes. my children always amaze me with their compassion too.
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{{{hugs}}} My sister went through this went she moved from NJ to FL 20 years ago. I remember there was a lot of crying at first! The homesickness kind of ebbed and flowed for the first few years, and then she finally got to the point where she felt like Florida was “home.” She would never dream of moving back now. It’ll take a little while, but you’ll get there. Naming what you’re going through and being patient with yourself is half the battle.
BTW, is there a name for what you feel when your entire family of origin has moved out of state?? “People sickness”? I think that’s what I’ve got.
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Heather Reply:
April 1st, 2010 at 10:10 pm
Oh the crying! I know! and I’m not even a cryer. I get more emotional as I get older and apparently more in touch with my feelings. I figured this out fairly quickly I think. In years past it would have taken me a LOT longer.
I have no idea if we’ll be here forever… but we’ll be here now.
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Heather, about a year ago, we moved nine hours away from my *home*. I find myself missing my family and friends, still. I’ve made new friends, and I love them dearly, but the tug to the tried & true remains. Clearly, it’s not the same as moving across the country, but our homesickness really has essened with time. Lately, my husband and I have come to realize that this isn’t the place for us, but we also have no intention of returning home. We’re thinking of a compromise somewhere along the middle.
I am so glad that you gave it a name, and so soon. It took me months to realize how homesick I was!
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