We visited the zoo yesterday. Normally, I’m not a big fan of the zoo. Especially after visiting one in Virginia a couple years ago that turned out to be some exotic animal collector who ran a shady operation specifically for money. That’s a whole other post.
It’s really difficult to get everyone out of the house for an outing, while still honoring everyone’s transitional styles; all together we are slow, quick, distracted, methodical, and dependent. Add in the heavy traffic on the I-5 and we arrived a little later than we would have liked. We arrived with a limited amount of time to walk the 92 acres we paid our way into. In a past life it would have been easy to get caught up in feeling rushed or obligated to see everything. I always hated field trips in school that seemed to focus more on quantity, rather than quality.
One thing we noticed was a number of parents that were dragging their children from exhibit to exhibit. I say dragging quite literally too. One or two children were still looking and reaching in the other direction while the parent pulled them to the next animal. I see several problems with this:
- Impatience. I sometimes wonder what parents thought having children would be like and if they even have a point to their impatience. Is it simply a control tactic? Is it a learned behavior? Do they really think that a child’s infatuation with an elephant ends with the parents unwillingness to sit there any longer?
- Misinformation. I’ll take a shot in the dark here and say that almost all parents want their children to learn. However, if they understood the process by which people learn, and not what bureaucrats have managed to cram into our heads, they would be much more patient. It’s a stretch I know… but not all that unlikely.
- Selfishness. Many adults have unmet needs and can easily push aside their child’s in favor of their own. Thinking the child will have a chance when he or she is an adult. Not to mention families spend the majority of their days separated from each other. We are the only species to actively send our children away to learn. (That I know of) Isn’t that strange? People don’t become closer or get to know each other better by spending more time apart.
Learning to Drive
Learning is presented to us at age 6 (sometimes younger) as a passive activity. We sit and we listen, we do as told and we learn. The moment we go from child to student (of compulsory schooling) we’ve been placed into the backseat (and by “placed into the backseat” I mean thrown and locked into the trunk) of the car. 12 or 13 years later, we’re told to get out and drive. Say what???
…and speaking of passive learning
Something happened yesterday while we were at the zoo. But first, a disclaimer. I am in no way bashing strollers, stroller companies, or the good people that buy them. Strollers certainly have their place. I am merely stating an observation. Got it? OK. Let’s move on. We bought a used stroller on Craigslist a few weeks ago. Mainly so we could go for long neighborhood walks without asking Skylar to be responsible for babysitting Phoenix every time we left the house. Otherwise, I’ve never much cared for strollers. I’ve always felt they were more of a hindrance than anything else. We brought it to the zoo yesterday and it did turn out to be helpful for Milo when he was tired. However, when we placed Phoenix in the stroller, he changed. He changed from the excitable, curious toddler who checks out everything to merely a passive bystander of our trip to the zoo. He sulked in his seat and often had a bored look in his eyes. Strollers are easy to face backward, or to park, without even thinking how the child is facing away from the action.
When we took him out and held him or let him walk he was thrilled! “Whoa. Whoa. Whoaaaaa!” He said when he saw the elephants. “Ball!!!” He said when he saw the ball. “Ooooh!” At the gorilla. He said *nothing* while in the stroller. Nothing. He needed to be in the midst of it all, enjoying, learning, and socializing with us.
It was all an observation of mine. It reminded me of how children are made to sit in desks for long periods of time and passively observe or listen. How their activities are restricted and directed, is not unlike Phoenix having to go wherever the stroller went. Following him to where his curiosity took him was much more rewarding for both of us than the convenience of not having to chase him down. Lesson learned. While he is getting too big to carry for long, strollers shall remain an option for tired legs, not a requirement.
“To trust children we must first learn to trust ourselves…and most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted.” -John Holt
How to Trust a Child
I think if we’re going to change the world, if we’re going to make it a better place then we had better start respecting and trusting children. Children who are respected and trusted will likely grow up and reciprocate. I would guess that many of today’s leaders in many different places were probably not trusted as children. So, without further comment I urge you:
- know that children want to learn about the world, but likely learn different then you.
- understand that wants are often just as important to a child as needs and they need to be able to trust you as well.
- allow unlimited playtime, TV time, and computer time. three fabulous ways to learn.
- don’t place greater educational value on one thing vs. another. it doesn’t exist. all things can be learned from. some more than others, that doesn’t make them better.
- let them eat when they are hungry. they will know their bodies better in the long run.
- don’t villainize their favorite foods. just because certain foods make “you” feel guilty is no reason to place that on your child. show and provide a healthy and balanced lifestyle but don’t force them into it.
- let them go to bed when they feel tired. I know a lot of people with sleeping problems primarily from being sent to bed to early and being forced to wake before they were ready for years and years in childhood. it’s just not a good thing for a growing body.
- let them stare at the Gorillas for 30 minutes or more. observation is extremely scientific.
This is only a partial list. Let’s make an ongoing list in the comments and I will turn it into a separate page. I look forward to seeing what everyone comes up with!
Love your list! After our experience last Friday I will add:
Don’t push them to be social just because they said they wanted to, or you think they’ll enjoy it, or whatever. If a kid wants to stay home and hermit honor it – respect it – trust it!
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Your list is great! I can only think of two big things to add:
1. When they are excited, get excited too. A flat “Uh huh” and no eye contact can kill a bubbling interest just as fast as actively discouraging it would.
2. Treat “no” as a normal word, not as a special privilege reserved for adults. I would argue that the right to say “no” – no I won’t eat that, no you can’t treat me that way, no I don’t want to do this – is one of the most basic human rights, and it’s also usually the first right people take away from their children. (Maybe this is why so many people triumphantly reclaim the word as adults, and why some parents sound like toddlers, constantly calling out “No! No!” as if they never got to use the word before. Some of them probably haven’t.) Of course there are some situations where parents have to overrule a kid’s “no”, but many parents get downright indignant if their kid even utters the word.
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Get a membership to the zoo so you don’t feel you have to see it all in one day.
More seriously: Respond promptly and with (an appropriate level of) enthusiasm to questions, passions, and passing fancies.
LOVE this post.
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I second Ronnie’s suggestion. One day last summer we went to the zoo while Malila was at circus camp. Easy got to pick everything he wanted. He went straight to the lily pads. It’s 4 large (3′) plastic lily pads in very shallow (6″) water. I stayed there watching him jump over and over, taking turns, for about 1.5 hours. I also got to watch parents. Wow! It was eye opening. I’m in a little bubble sometimes and forget. Parents drag their kids from exhibit to exhibit without regard to their enjoyment. Children are commonly ignored, unless they do something ‘wrong’. They are told how to enjoy things. They are not allowed to have thier own feelings, thoughts or opinions.
Another might be, let children decide when they are finished, how much of something they need.
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Nice list—I agree with the membership idea! A few others:
1. Let go of your own expectations-you miss so much when you get caught up in the idea of the way things are supposed to be. What’s that saying “Don’t assume-when you do you make as ass out of you and me.” Trust that your child knows the path that is right for them.
2.Pay attention and be there for your kids. Some times kids don’t know how to put into words what they need, what direction they want things to go in, what they are interested in. It takes a lot of hard work and really listening to hear what they are needing and saying. Give options freely letting them say “hey that’s cool “or “No way” -And as in #1 let go of your expectations -Trust them to do what they need with the info or options you gave them.
3. Be your child’s biggest cheerleader. We need to be cheering them on and backing them up ALL THE TIME. Not just when they do certain things but always. They will know that we trust their judgment and choices and know how much we truly believe in them.
This is a great brainstorming idea Heather–can’t wait to see what others have to add!
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Heather Reply:
April 13th, 2010 at 10:28 am
It is… I’m excited watching the ideas go by. Oh and we DID by a membership.
Can’t wait to go back.
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Provide the same quality and access to materials, resources, and technology as you’d like to have for your own interests.
Seek out more of what they like or things that are similar. One can never have too much of a good thing!
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So many great points. I really enjoyed this.
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*Love* the analogy of driving a car! I’ll be borrowing that (with credit of course).
How about: Honor and validate their emotions. Listen to the way they feel without attempting to convince them otherwise. Allow them to process those feelings while remaining present and supportive. Guide them in healthy ways of expression by giving them a safe place to let it all out.
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One time we went to a safari park and we kept stopping and just watching for ages, loads of other cars would get annoyed and drive round us. Sometimes I had the opposite problem, kids who are constantly saying ‘come and look at this’ and dragging me away from whatever I wanted to look at. Must have spent months of my life when my son was small looking down holes in roads, that was his fascination. Great post thanks for sharing
martine
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I just want to thank you for putting this so articulately. I always enjoy your wrting and thoughts.
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We love having memberships to places so the kids can explore as much time in one spot as they want to. They don’t feel rushed or that we will never be able to come back to see the rest of it. They immerse themselves in the subject–the one they got to choose! I may not wish to stand in the bat cave for hours on end, but I will be there for my child who LOVES everything to do with bats….although I might bring something to cover my nose! lol
Listen to what they are trying to say. Is the “melt-down” because they are starving, tired, too hot, overstimulated? BE Prepared for everything–that’s what being a mom is about. Don’t go to the zoo expecting to rush through it like you did when you were forced to go to public school. Go as fast or as slow as the kids want to go. I like to talk ahead of time to find out what they want to spend time at or not, and sometimes that changes too.
Great article, thanks!
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Hi. This is the first time I’ve read your blog, and I can tell it’s going to be a new favorite!
I love this post. I’m linking to it on my blog. Thank you so much for writing this – this is exactly what I’ve been needing to hear lately.
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Heather Reply:
April 13th, 2010 at 5:26 pm
Thanks so much Lisa!
And thanks everyone for all these awesome ideas!
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So true about the strollers and how they somehow switch a child off. My pediatrician mother was astonished and upset when she saw how DD1 was in the stroller – a completley different and disengaged child to the one when being carried. I think there was a Scottish study on strollers which expressed concerns about the effect of strollers with baby facing away from parent on the development of communcation skills.
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Heather Reply:
April 14th, 2010 at 8:28 am
@Katherine – If you find the study would you send it to me? I’d be interest in reading it.
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Try and see the world through the eyes of a child. Realise that everything can be exciting and new and seen differently even if you walk past it every day. Make the time to explore it.
If your children want to run in the street, run with them. Dance, laugh and play even in situations that could be ‘embarrassing’!
We have a music exhibition at our local museum at the moment, last week we danced together in public for 2 hours laughing and singing while all around us children weren’t even allowed to remove their coats and were shuffled from the room after a couple of minutes. The look of disappointment and longing on their faces was heartbreaking!
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A very timely read for me. Thank you so much for this eloquent reminder of why we started unschooling in the first place. I really needed it.
P.S. Lisa recommended your article to me and sent me the link.
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Thanks Heather – your blog has become one of my favorites!
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We have a pass too & the last time we were there could have easily spent over an hour watching the gorillas eat – did you know about their regurgitate & eat cycle times 100 = ewww…but the kids were fascinated with it…and that baby is too darn cute. We’ll go w/ you anytime. Did you go 99? Usually no traffic that way. Sometimes we go & hang out in the zoomazium or climb in the otudoor play area & never see any animals
on trust: I think an important thing also is to truly listen to your children and give them your full attention & let them know that what they have to say & their feelings & needs are important & that they will be heard in this world. They matter just for being them. No other conditionality. & that they have a voice & choice about what they do & say. Allow them to be and know that they are OK for who they are. They are special for being them & for just being born – no other requirements are needed.
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Heather Reply:
April 14th, 2010 at 10:39 pm
@Stefanie – Thanks so much!
@Heather – We can go anytime… or almost.
The boys LOVED the elephants too. Just one, they watched her for so long. It’s so fun to just watch THEM like they watch the animals!
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Thank you I needed this post today. I have a hermit who loves games, TV, YouTube, comedy skits, Monty Python and murder mystery programmes. I thought I knew how to trust him, but I need to help myself relax and enjoy the process.
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Heather Reply:
April 17th, 2010 at 6:33 am
@Sarah. I always found that my short attention span clashes with their long attention spans! They can stay inside for days and days perfectly content and finding all sorts of fun things to do! I itch for things to change. It’s been a long time to find that balance trust that even though their styles are different from mine, they are just fine. Thanks for commenting.
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hi, new reader here, just found you from Tara’s link, but I can’t tell I’m going to like it here!!
We always distinguish between doing something that is principally for us (adults) and doing something that is principally for the children – eg this weekend we are going away and one afternoon is going to be spent at a modern art gallery. That’s for me, and whilst we’ll keep it to a duration that is do-able for the children and look for ways to interest them, they know and I know we’re doing it because it’s somewhere I’ve really wanted to go for a long time (I guess what I want to be clear on is that I wouldn’t drag them somewhere totally inappropriate or for an unfair length of time but I do want them to learn what my passions are too). Another afternoon they will each choose something to do and we will willingly do whatever they decide, how and in what order and for as long as they want – so if it was say, a zoo, they would decide what animals we see and if they wanted to look at the giraffes for 2 hours and miss out on seeing some of the others, then that is what we will do. I’ll explain to them the consequence of their decisions (ie we can’t get round the other animals before the zoo shuts for the night) but then honour their choice. The only consequence will be a natural one, not one imposed by me. This way we all get to do stuff we really want to do, in the way we really want to do it, Also they get to learn about leading, about sharing someone else’s interests, and possibly, even inspired by the things we show them. Possibly not. But that’s OK too.
So perhaps my addition to your list would be Honour their Choices. Follow your and their passions with equal enthusiasm. [Isn’t it odd how some parents berate their children for trailing round, say a museum, acting whiny and bored, yet those same parents at the park – sat on the bench – looking bored and barking out a countdown to leaving when they’ve barely arrived ? Can’t think where the children learned their attitude from !!?!?
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This is a wonderful post, and your list was really helpful to me regarding an issue I have been dealing with lately. Thank you!
I would add one thing though, as an offering of different perspective – you never know, when you see a parent pulling a reluctant child away from the gorilla enclosure, their reasons for doing so. Perhaps they have promised an older child that they can attend a penguin demonstration, and it starts in five minutes. Perhaps they are meeting family for lunch and are late. Perhaps they have a screaming headache and are doing the best they can. I am trying to teach myself that, along with trusting and respecting the needs of children, I have to trust and respect the needs of their parents too. I must admit, though, I find it all too easy to judge! And then of course I get annoyed when people judge me, lol!
Thank you again for the wonderful food for thought.
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Wonderful post, so many ideas for me to chew on and consider. I do think you’re very right about the need for children to interact with their environment … and though I do think strollers can inhibit this in children, I do find that my dd relaxes in the stroller when she is very wound up. I have a baby carrier as well, and use that mostly … but sometimes she climbs up into the stroller and wants to go out for a ride, lol! So, I guess it depends on the setting. There’s a time and place for everything, right?
I agree with sarah regarding the reasons parents may have for pulling their children away too. I agree with your point in saying that some parents don’t give their children enough time to explore — me being one of them (I really need to work on this) — but sometimes life unfortunately makes demands on us we can’t avoid. That said, I will take much of what you say here to heart.
Much peace and light.
Juliana
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Great post! We are learning to embrace the ability to stare at goats!!
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Heather Reply:
October 28th, 2010 at 4:48 pm
Nice! We just watched that movie! LOL
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