Go to sleep right now. It’s bedtime. You are tired and I want you in bed. If you can’t sleep then just lay there with your eyes closed and eventually you will fall asleep. Not a word. It is your bedtime.
I’m trying to think back to when Skylar was little and decide if this ever worked. Skylar was always the type of kid to crash early, so I don’t remember bedtime being too big a struggle. Except of course, on those days that he didn’t want to go to bed. Milo used to cry a lot. When everyone else was ready for bed, we’d try and rock him, he’d cry. And cry. And cry. Why wouldn’t he sleep!? A night owl right from the start. I’ve never had any issues with Phoenix going to sleep or waking up. Then again, I’ve never had any expectations surrounding his sleep. He sleeps, when he is tired.
It isn’t really fair to expect someone to go to bed before they are tired. I’ve witnessed children yelled at, stripped of toys, spanked and forced to lie awake in their rooms. Let’s not forget the famous cry-it-out method. Why choose so much anger, hostility, or frustration over bedtime when you can choose kindness and togetherness. Is it any wonder that these children don’t like to go to sleep when they actually are tired?
Put them in a cage… I mean crib
I have a quick thought on baby cribs. This is not to take personally, but just something to think about. Skylar started out in a crib some years ago. At 7 months he hoisted himself out and onto the floor. (Not kidding) He never slept in the crib again. He slept with me. Milo had a crib and a room but rarely ever slept in his crib. Instead he first slept with us, then we gave him a toddler bed in our room with a lot of pillows on the floor. He rolled out once. Phoenix has always slept with us.
Some people think cribs are for safety reasons. Ensuring that the child can not, either fall out of bed, fall down stairs after waking up or just make it easier for the parent to keep track of the kid. I tend to think there is a psychological effect as well. Can you imagine waking up only to find that you’re in a cage? That you cannot get up and play with the toys scattered about and that the only two ways of getting out is if you cry or jump to injury? No wonder kids don’t like sleeping!
Cribs strip children of their freedom and autonomy. I think that extra care needs to be taken when a child is sleeping to ensure their safety and our awareness of what they are doing and where they are. Baby monitors, regular checks, and baby proofing the room are all ways to keep your child safe. He doesn’t NEED to be in a cage… errr crib.
*steps off soapbox*
Sleeping Disorders
“The worst thing in the world is to try to sleep and not to. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald”
Sleeping disorders are on the rise. According to a Cleveland Clinic an estimated 75% of Americans experience a sleeping disorder at least a few nights per week. It would seem to me, that if people were allowed to sleep when they were tired, and wake when they were ready that most of these problems would not exist. Let’s visit the two big sleep issues.
Circadian Rhythm Disorder – (from Wikipedia) a family of sleep disorders affecting, among other things, the timing of sleep. People with circadian rhythm sleep disorders are unable to sleep and wake at the times required for normal work, school, and social needs. They are generally able to get enough sleep if allowed to sleep and wake at the times dictated by their body clocks. Unless they have another sleep disorder, their sleep is of normal quality. OK, according to the description, this is not a disorder at all. This is a symptom of society. If your body is fighting against something unnatural and external, how can this be a disorder? For those of you who experience this problem, and try and keep regular hours, I wonder if keeping irregular hours would make the problem go away. This reminds me of ADHD. Both disorders go away with a lifestyle change. Interesting.
Insomnia – (from Wikipedia) Insomnia is described as having difficulty falling asleep and/or staying asleep. In all the causes on Wikipedia, most seem to be caused from external sources, (sensitivities, drugs, medications). They even site Circadian Rhythm Disorder as a cause. Bringing me back to the idea that children should sleep when they are tired, and their circadian rhythms should not be disrupted. Without, actually saying the words, it IS recognized that forcing children to bed before they are ready IS a cause of insomnia.
A childhood of sleep routines and being forced to wake is a damn good way of causing a sleep disorder. We all know the problems that coincide with sleep deprivation, but forcing someone to bed does not force someone to get adequate sleep. For a complete list click here.
Creating a Sleepy Atmosphere
I’m sure there are a lot of questions at this point.
- So what happens when a child wants to stay up past an adult’s threshold?
- What happens when everyone else is sleeping and the child is up and it’s important that dad (or the breadwinner) gets his rest in preparation for work?
- What about when my child stays up past his limit and becomes cranky and agitated?
There are a lot of things we can do to create a calm and sleepy atmosphere. When it gets to be late, turning the volume down on the television and turning lights in the house down low are some ideas. Ready stories and doing calm activities are some others. Cuddle in bed. Be creative. These don’t always work, especially when someone needs the volume up louder, but give them a shot.
Milo is our night owl. He very often stays up extremely late and then sleeps in late in the morning. He sleeps on his own rhythm, an important factor in his development. We have done many things for him to accommodate his needs and to also meet our needs. We have often given him a space in our darkened room to:
- Read with a reading light
- Draw or color with a flashlight
- Play with toys under a blanket with a flashlight
- Play Nintendo DS
- Play computer games on the laptop
- Watch a movie on the laptop
It worked for him. It still works for him. He enjoys these same activities up in his top bunk now. He doesn’t care to roam about a dark house alone so it’s a better option to be in his room with his brother. Sometimes, he really wants to stay up longer with someone so we can negotiate how long we are willing to stay up with him, reading, playing a game, or just cuddling. Since we respect the kids needs and go the extra mile to accommodate them, they are willing to be respectful of each other and the rest of us when they are sleeping in the same room. Occasionally they will get giggly and loud, and a gentle reminder is all they need to quiet down. Skylar sleeps in Milo’s room since the dog prefers it. Milo really enjoys having Skylar there, and knows that if he isn’t quiet then Skylar has the option of sleeping somewhere else.
Night time is not a free for all. In general, people sleep at night. Neighbors, siblings, and the working parent should all be taken into account. It isn’t fair to say, “we unschool” and have children running wild throughout the house when people are sleeping. Most of the time, they are happy to help us meet in the middle somewhere. However, there aren’t any expectations here. We work hard to make sure their needs are met, and they are so accommodating for us in return. It’s common sense, we treat them as we want to be treated. We sometimes hear them remind each other to keep their voices down while playing video games. We also give them the same respect if and when they sleep in. Sleep is important and we treat it that way.
“There is no hope for a civilization which starts each day to the sound of an alarm clock. ~Author Unknown”
Children Know When They Are Tired
I hate it when I hear adults telling their children when they are tired and using that as some sort of leverage to get them in bed. Phoenix is going to be 2 next month. We have never had any expectations surrounding his sleep. He sleeps when he is tired. He wakes when he has had enough sleep or maybe when he is thirsty or hungry. We recognize and respect his needs as a human being. Many times, he crawls into our arms and says “ni-night” when he is ready to sleep. He knows what it means to be tired and when his body has had enough. That is more than most adults can say, even myself sometimes. Forcing him to bed before he is ready, is not worth the lasting negative effects.
It’s taken Skylar and Milo much longer to respond to their bodies when they are tired. They had bedtimes and miserable experiences set by me when they were younger. While Skylar seems to have moved past it, Milo is just now starting to show a healthier sleep pattern. I say healthier by *his* standards not mine. He is now recognizing when he is tired and finding the things he needs to have or do for a restful night sometimes without our help.
“A wise man eats when he is hungry and sleeps when he is tired.” unknown proverb
Before unschooling, our kids had a set bedtime. To make this bearable for the girls, Frank and I would take turns tucking them in. This involved reading, conversation, and the singing of numerous songs, so bedtime–or rather, the transition from awake-with-the-family to alone-in-their-own-beds–lasted an hour or more, and then one of us would go back up for the Ten-Minute Check (whoa – haven’t thought about that in a long time) to make sure nobody was lying up there awake and lonely.
In other words, our process was about as kind and sympathetic as bedtime gets. And still… It was all about concession and conciliation, and it ended, every single night, with that wrenching moment when the parent walked away.
As unschoolers, the wrenching moment happens every now and then (such as when Chloe wants to continue one of our periodic late-night gab sessions and it’s 2 a.m. and I have to be up at 7), but more typically it’s all happy and voluntary and fun and relaxed. “Relaxed” is probably the biggie. There’s simply no stress involved and nothing to make up for, which is what we spent so many hours on back in our more traditional days.
Love it! Thanks for your thoughts.
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Excellent, Heather. So many people struggle with this, falling on either the “fall asleep when I tell you to” or “run wild whenever you want” spectrum. There is a healthy middle ground in which, as you point out, everyone can be respected and everyone’s needs can be met. We have co-slept in a family bed for more than 11 years, and have been on at least two (often three or four) different sleep schedules at the same time. Your ideas for negotiating through that respectfully are spot on. Great post!
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We did have bedtimes when the older ones were younger. Like Ronnie, it was centered around reading and singing and kindness…thankfully. Once we relaxed on bedtimes, our children slowly navigated towards being night owls. Jalen was born a night owl….thankfully my rhythm is towards late night also.
I’m so grateful they can sleep until their bodies are done sleeping, and go to sleep when they choose. I remember the torture of trying to get through a school morning and not being able to fall asleep at night. They’ve never known that…and they’re baffled by the whole thing. Though they do choose to awaken to an alarm or deprive themselves of sleep, for their very own reasons and desires.
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Wow..this is wonderful thinking and I would love to use these methods but they would never work in my house. My children in general have little to no respect for me or each other, we are working on that. So to assume they would be quiet when the other ones are resting is insane as they make as much noise as possible throughout the day.
I have a child with bipolar disorder who requires a full 12 hours of sleep for her mental stability. We have learned that anything less than 12 hours leads to serious emotinal breakdowns; although if she has her way she would fight pass her initial tired stage and catch a second wind. She herself knows her own sleep requirements & still occasionally fights them. So we put her to bed when we see the sleepy eyes start.
I also have a son with autsim who is a night owl..he requires a lot less sleep; only about 6 hours. he has always needed less sleep but was diagnosed with chronic insomnia at 2 yrs. old ( he would only sleep 1-2 hours at a time, waking 6-8 times a night..this went one for almost 5 years ). His body has learned to push past that tired phase and he can stay up all night if he’s allowed. Oddly enough if we put him to bed at a reasonable time for us he’s asleep within an hour and gets about 8 hours of sleep a night. Still not enough to keep the crabby mood away !! He alsotends to sleep walk and we have found him alseep trying to get out of the house.. Our 5 yr old boy would just assume sleep til noon and go to bed at 11pm. Not really a good thing with school starting in August, and yes I wanted him to experience child led education but he craves a public school setting. He’s so tired of being home and wants to build friendships and see what his siblings have been doing everyday..I already know his intelligence level is way past that of a typical kindergartener and hope they can stimulate him enough so hes not bored..proof that unschooling works !! With all 3 kids on such diffrent schedules I would not be able to accomadate all of them with just the basics each day. 3 breakfast, lunches and dinners all at diff. times b/c they all get up at diff. times and want 2 eat. I would be waiting around for someone to wake and be cooking all day long. I can handle the late nights but my loud family would drive each other crazy..one goes to bed at 10 and the others wake em, we would have a whole house full of CRAZIES by weeks end. Again, super idea and great thoughts but it just couldn’t work for me.
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Heather Reply:
June 16th, 2010 at 8:21 am
@Brandi – I think as you spend more time with them outside of school you will notice remarkable differences in all areas of their lives. I know you are just beginning your journey, so my advice is to just say yes more often. If bedtime is at 8 and DD asks to stay up until 8:30, smile and say yes.
It’s a process. You don’t have to let go of everything all at once. Move a good comfortable pace, meeting needs along the way.
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Exactly.
I’ve blogged about our sleep habits a few times now. Bedtime is my kids’ favorite time of day. We snuggle with stories, we wind down and relax together. There’s nothing “next” to do, but it’s never been forced, and it has nothing to do with what the clock says, it’s the rhythm of our day.
People generally understand that forcing foods can lead to eating disorders, so why don’t they understand that forcing sleep can lead to sleep disorders? OOhhh- and forced learning….
Which would indicate that any “disorder” is a manifestation of the fear that created it; A defense mechanism against being over-manipulated.
Good stuff, Heather
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Heather Reply:
June 16th, 2010 at 8:22 am
Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. I’m so grateful for friends like you all!
@Lisa – Exactly!
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Zeb has always been the one who knows when he is tired and slept as much as he needs. Bedtime was never an issue or struggle for us until he started school and we suddenly had to make sure he went to bed early enough in order to get up early.
Once he was out of school again he went through a period of taking back that control – he stayed up late, got up early, was tired and not feeling well most of the day, even sleepwalking down the street in the middle of the night!
It took lots of patience and trust and time for him to find his own natural rhythm again (as well as some safety measures for the sleepwalking). Usually he climbs in bed when we do, sometimes earlier, sometimes later. He consistently gets the same hours of sleep each night (more when he’s going through a growth spurt). He’s not afraid to go to bed early and potentially miss something if he’s tired. And he enjoys staying up late with friends during sleepovers.
Most importantly, I find it crucial that he is able to follow his body signals as he’s growing without the interference of an external obligation. Its much different for an adult to decide to wake up early for a job than it is for a child who’s body is growing, changing and in much greater need of rest during those times.
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Thanks, Heather, for this wonderful description of how to respect and support each family member’s needs and individually inherent sleep patterns! These are ideas we’re constantly using at our house and it’s nice to have such a concise description to refer to.
My DS comes honestly by his night-owl tendencies (the vast majority of his blood relatives share this sleep pattern) and I’m so grateful to be in a position to respect his sleep schedule. A couple nights ago, he fell asleep around his *usual* time (about 11:30) and then slept until 1:30 the next day!!! We had had plans to meet up with some friends around lunch, but I decided to let him sleep instead. We adjusted our plans and still had a great day. I’ve learned (the hard way) that anytime he sleeps much longer than I “expect” and I wake him up, he usually ends up getting sick that day. But when I let him sleep on his schedule, he rarely gets sick. His body knows much better than I do when and how much sleep he needs!
I’ve had friends ask, “How will he be able to get up for work someday? Or go to college?” My answer is that there are a myriad of educational and work options that he can pursue if maintaining this sleep schedule is a priority to him when he’s older. Plus, now he sleeps about 10-12 hours per night and he likely won’t need that much sleep once he’s an adult, so will be getting up closer to a “normal” time.
Even at 4-years-old, he’s great about choosing to go to sleep earlier (or at least try
if there’s an activity he really wants to do early the next morning. And as he becomes more conscious of how TIME works (if he stays awake later, he wakes up later or looses sleep), he more consciously and actively makes choices about when he wants to try to sleep.
As a night owl, I was desperately sleep deprived throughout middle school and high school and would often sleep the weekend away trying to catch up. That trend continued once I joined the 8-to-5 world working in advertising and graphic design. After several years I finally took the big step of going freelance and my world literally changed!! I could work the hours I was most productive (afternoon and late evening) and sleep when my body was truly tired (from about 1:00 to 9:00). I couldn’t believe what a difference it made in my life. So glad I can support DS in finding his special niche in the world where he is healthy and fulfilled.
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I love that everybody has a different sleep pattern in our house. Skylar is usually the next one up in the morning after me, so it gives us some time for the two of us to just hang out and talk in the morning, and late at night it’s often just me and Milo cuddling up, talking, and watching TV. I wouldn’t give that up for anything.
I will also add, that there is nothing cuter in the world then when Phoenix walks up to you sleepily, holds up his hands for you to pick him up and says in his little voice “ni-nite”
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Cribs are kind of like treadmills and stationary bikes, great for putting laundry on and in!
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Ronnie said it all, except that even now, at 16 and almost-18, the girls will still sometimes ask one of us to “put them to bed” with a song or two. Sweet.
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I’m usually up at 5:30am (fuckin’ alarm clock and work), but I actually love it because it offers me some time to prepare for the bike ride in. As the boys’ sleep patterns have changed, it also gave me time to catch up with them at different points — Cameron, who might be on his way in for the night or Duncan, who’s stayed up all night. Precious moments that I would’ve missed had we forced them to go to sleep at some indiscriminate, idiotic set time.
@TJ: I love the sleep patterns in our house, too, and a personal story to say why. When I started cycling on the weekends, I always tried to get home by the time the boys woke up because I felt guilty for being away from them. We’d been unschooling for several years, and the boys were working through to their respective sleeping rhythms. I came home one morning after a ride, and Kelly inquired as to why I kept arriving around the same time each Saturday morning.
“I wanted to be here when the boys get up.”
Having observed them a bit closer than I had, Kelly commented: “You can ride longer if you want. They haven’t been up before 11am in about 4 months.”
I not only extended my Saturday rides, but found myself joining and cooking them breakfasts more often. I’ve never felt that guilt since.
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Cribs are not just to keep kids in, they are also to keep kids OUT. By sleeping in a crib, dd2 is ensured a peaceful sleep that is undisturbed by her older sister. She spent the first few weeks of her life never sleeping in the crib, but once dd1 really became aware of her presence, you could not leave the two of them alone in the room. Not so great for a baby who is napping on the couch & the toddler climbs up and pokes her in the face and laughs. I cannot just tell dd1 to stay out of the bedroom as the two girls share a room & that would not be fair, either. And, yes, even v young infants can accidentally scooch off the bed; dd1 almost did when she was two months old, head-first. No one in our house is ever forced to sleep in a crib. DD1 decided that she did not like it and that was that. A crib is just another tool & it can help provide a safe & respected sleeping area.
We have found that it is much easier to let the toddler stay up until you are ready to go to bed yourself than to try and make her go to bed. There is never a fight w/ this method
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Heather Reply:
June 16th, 2010 at 9:21 pm
The little bit on cribs is my personal opinion and experience. While I understand what you mean I’d like to respond to a couple things you mention.
“you could not leave the two of them alone in the room.”
I wouldn’t leave a baby and a 1 year old in a room together alone anyway. If someone is sleeping in a room, it seems perfectly fair to me to ask someone else to stay out if they cannot or will not be quiet/respectful. In this case she is not old enough to understand, so I would certainly keep her out while the other is napping.
What I speak of hear is not a “method”. There is no underlying motive to “get them to bed”. We simply respect their autonomy by acknowledging that they are not tired and do not wish to go sleep. That’s pretty much it.
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One thing about cribs/cots — they keep the baby safe (and asleep) from their older siblings. I have often let the baby doze on the floor in the playroom (she is rolling now so can’t be on the bed), and she sometimes gets woken up by boisterous children stepping on her. I think she prefers the safety of the cot.
)
(Just realised Foster said mostly the same thing. But I like your educational philosophy and will be back again!
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I have followed M’s sleep patterns & *love* the fact that she knows when she’s tired & tells me at age 3.5. I have always trusted that she knew. And she does know. If she’s tired at 5 pm she takes a nap (even if it’s not so convenient to me as I know she will up late, etc.) She still often requests a nap. It’s not always my preference, but she obviously needs it. But also she has always slept with me, in my bed or on me in a carrier or in my lap. Which is nice b/c she will still nap when we are out at times. She has also never been told it’s time for bed, but I do tell her that I am tired & am going to bed. At times she chooses to play quietly while I sleep. K likes to still lay down w/ dh & usually chooses to goto bed when he does (as he has a work schedule he follows), or waits until we goto bed (as me & M are more night owls). I also have to say that I can count on one hand how many times I have ever woken them up for anything. It’s so nice to allow them the space for the rest that they need. I haven’t had a clock in my room for 6 or 7 years now & it is sooo nice not to worry about what time it is!!
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This is a wonderful article. I sincerely hope the effort you’ve put into it not only affirms those of us who have these wonderful sleep relationships, but helps other parents and carers branch out into something new. The “set” and stern bedtime is something most parents do (or believe they should do… feeling guilty if they don’t) and is something even made more stressful with those who do school or have highly-scheduled lives. Thanks for delineating a blueprint for a new way to do things!
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“I wouldn’t leave a baby and a 1 year old in a room together alone anyway.”
Yeah, it’s pretty much a recipe for disaster, lol, although dd1 is two-yrs-old now. At any rate, I totally agree that it is not right to force a child to stay in a crib if they don’t want to. When dd2 wakes up and starts making her noises, I go in right away and get her. And she is nice and happy to rejoin us b/c she has gotten a lovely uninterrupted sleep!
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In my own parenting journey of 13 years and four kids, experience has shown me that the amount of physical closeness and time spent being attentive makes a huge difference in the relationship and sense of well-being. People think they’re “fine” only because they don’t know what they’re missing. I feel so strongly about it because it pains me to think of what would have been lost if we’d listened to popular “wisdom” and the “experts”. I wrote a little about it five years ago: http://cottonwoodjournal.blogspot.com/2005/12/sleeping-with-baby.html. Your post is making me feel inspired to sit down and write about what more I’ve found out about it since!
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