I was asked a very vague question yesterday. Probably an extremely normal question in most parenting circles and I do not want to take away from the validity of the question. However, it was a very strange question for me! I’ve been radical unschooling for quite some time, I felt a little caught off guard. Had I been prepared I probably could have given a better more thought out answer, rather than possibly sounding like a jerk.
In regards to my twelve year old, “Does he listen?”
I said, “Well, I don’t tell him what to do.”
The reply, “Yeah, I guess you have to just give up.”
I followed up by saying that I’ve never really told him what to do (since RU anyway) and when I need some help with something I ask, and he’s usually happy to help out. I also said, “He’s awesome!”
I’ve been playing this over in my mind a bit. I’m not always the best conversationalist. That’s a very abrupt answer, for a very honest and serious question. The problem lies with me, that’s how I see things.
If it hurts when you do that, then don’t do that.
Problem solved. I’m not terribly analytical if I feel a situation doesn’t require it. I see things very simply. Still, it’s sort of painful to know that I could have explained myself better and possibly helped someone in their own tough situation.
First of all, let’s just spit out a disclaimer right here: I’m not perfect. In times of stress I’ve been known to bring out traditional parenting methods and act like a total ass. It’s what I do, I’m human and I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I‘ll just keep moving forward. Stress is a trigger, and I’ll keep that down to a minimum.
Now, on to the question. I didn’t give up anything. I let it go. It’s different. To me, giving up means I felt defeated in some way, maybe I felt the situation was impossible. I let it go. I let go of the illusion that I actually have control over these children, as if they weren’t their own human beings. One day, I made a decision about how I felt about controlling others and I worked hard, damn hard, to let it all go. Remember this post? It’s when I discovered the magic of letting go. It is magical.
So in response to “does he listen?”, Yes. He listens. He listens to me talk, he listens when I’m feeling particularly uncomfortable about a situation. He listens and hears me when I feel that I need his help. He trusts me, he takes me seriously. He listens when someone is hurting or someone is happy. He listens to the world around him without a need to block anything out. Most importantly, I listen to him. I take him and his needs seriously.
I don’t tell my kids what to do. If I slip, and act like I have some sort of authority over them, they are quick to remind me that I don’t. I appreciate that so much, sooo much. I have raised, thus far, confident children who know themselves, each other, and their parents. They are independent and autonomous. They are not submissive and they are not subordinate. They are people, right here and right now. They know what they want, need, and like. I can accommodate that. I can help them, because I’m their mom and it’s my job.
You tell ‘em! I’m unconfortable with the use of “listen” to mean “obey.” They ain’t the same thing.
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by April and April , Heather. Heather said: New Blog Post: My Kids Listen. Do Yours? http://bit.ly/bMyWgw [...]
I love how you differentiate between giving up and letting go. It’s such a small difference in words that I don’t think most people see the difference in actions: one IS defeated, as you said, and the other is empowering. It empowers us to put our energies toward what matters, to be better, kinder parents. And it empowers our kids when we treat them with respect.
On a side note, don’t ya just hate when you’re caught off guard by these questions? I always feel like I missed an opportunity. :/
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Heather Reply:
August 31st, 2010 at 11:22 am
I’ve said it so many times… I can write, write, write… but when I talk I trip over my own mouth.
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Frank, what’s really cute is the word “ask” as an unconsciously placed stand-in for “demand” or “require.”
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Still, it’s sort of painful to know that I could have explained myself better and possibly helped someone in their own tough situation.
Right. I completely concur with this as I’m also a RU practitioner (among many other belief systems) and I often kick myself for not handling conversations or situations well.
Remember though, worldviews handed down and reified that are harmful are *everywhere* and their damage has been deep and shallow, sprinkled about, popping up even in our own minds and hearts and lips. When these views ambush you in the form of a stranger’s off-hand comment OR earnest question you aren’t required to deliver a perfect response. A good response is a great thing, yes. But when you’re operating from a different paradigm there are bound to be little clashes that jolt rather than work smoothly into a good conversation.
I’ve found asking, “What do you mean?” works well (“Do you mean listen, or obey?” might have followed in this specific conversation). Often I will ask enough gentle (and usually one-or-two-sentence) queries where I REALLY get an idea of where the Asker is coming from and I have my bearings to respond. This works well for me and I find these conversations often foster beautiful connection.
Thanks for writing here; I’m sure many will relate to those “missed opportunity” moments but you never know what the other person takes away… and what we may take away as well.
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I love that you emphasized that *you* listen to *him*. If this question ever comes up, that will be part of my answer along with asking them to clarify (as Frank pointed out) whether they mean ‘listen’ or ‘obey’.
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Beautiful. I’m sure there are many of us who trip over our tongues only to look back and think, “I should have said…”
I blog because it’s easier to write down my thoughts and feelings than it is to express them verbally, in the moment, with ears around who are listening. I thought I was weird that way, maybe I’m more normal than I think.
I am so hearing what you mean about letting go being different than giving up. You said it so much better than I’ve ever heard it expressed.
“To me, giving up means I felt defeated in some way, maybe I felt the situation was impossible. I let it go. I let go of the illusion that I actually have control over these children, as if they weren’t their own human beings. One day, I made a decision about how I felt about controlling others and I worked hard, damn hard, to let it all go. Remember this post? It’s when I discovered the magic of letting go. It is magical.”
Letting go is trust and faith and freedom all wrapped into one. Giving up is defeat, resignation and hopelessness.
And no matter how hard it is to express in words when actually talking about it, I’ll keep trying because there’s no way I’m giving up on my kids just as I hope they never give up on me.
Great post.
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[...] Go is NOT Giving Up This post is inspired by Heather @ Swiss Army Wife and her recent expression of the difference between giving up and letting go. It’s a great read and I could really [...]
I have been thinking hard on this exact thing lately. My son is 15.5…he is off in cars with friends that are older, he comes and goes much more than he used to. I certainly don’t fool myself into thinking I can control him and yet as you put it..I haven’t given up but for my own piece of mind I have let go. I am confident he has listened to us and I hope he makes good choices but he is his own person and I need to give him that space. I remember what that age is like and I remember what I was doing at 15.5….And I let go!!!!! And hold my breath a little (a lot)!
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Heather Reply:
August 31st, 2010 at 6:32 pm
Oh I remember what *I* was doing at 15 too!
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I think in this “be seen & not heard” world it is often hard for folks to distinguish the listen vs. obey as well. I don’t know how to advocate my thoughts to other parents whom I see as trying to control their children to the nth degree. They complain & complain about their children not “obeying” but yet they say they’re not “listening”. Yes, (to random friend) your children are individuals and have their own wills and will let you know what they desire and unfortunately you haven’t been listening to them or consensually meet their needs. Yes, now that your children are growing older you see that force isn’t working so well. I *want* to tell them that children are not to be controlled, nor shall they be your puppets but how do you say that nicely? I also try not to be quick to judge as sometimes I know the underlying stressors, and know it’s not worth going there again, sometimes not. Sometimes I feel tempted to end such relationships, but feel the strong pull for various reasons that I can’t. I also don’t always feel like my ideas are accepted by others. I am often stumped with conversations that come up & don’t always know how to handle them as the people are not in the same mindset as me. I am also not prepared with my 3 minute response to every question or situational response. Thus, I like to ask those around me their thoughts to get their imput
I often just don’t bother going there & keep my mouth shut. Is that wrong? I don’t know. I try to model what I live, it doesn’t always work out gracefully. There are heated moments at times. But one thing, like you, that has been dear & near to my heart from the begining of time is that my children are important and worthy of being heard. I realized from day one that I am *not* in control of them, they are not my puppets or play things, nor did I want to be, as I had very controlling parents.
p.s. I have a feeling that you might have left an impression on someone…even if it wasn’t as eloquent as you might look back & wished it to have been. Just a hunch.
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Heather Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 7:36 am
I’m glad you saw this.
I love what you wrote… you should write more often you know.
I hope I did. Maybe I should start penning my answers to people face to face. LOL
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Such a beautiful post with such important information. I see a big difference between giving up and letting go. I have let go so much, maybe its time to be more aware of how speak. This is something I struggle with a bit from time to time. Thank you for the reminder.
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That was nice, and the comments too. I’ve been asked “do they listen to you?” and it meant “can you control them?” The answers are “Yes” and “I can influence them, because they listen and they trust me.” But those come out in the conversation from the other mom asking “how did you do that?” or “Why?”
My 24 and 21 year olds still listen to me, and I still listen to them. “The baby,” Holly at 18, talks to me and her dad about all manner of things most mainstream parents would probably swear a girl would NEVER talk to her parents about.
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