I spend a lot of time with my children.  I also spend of lot of time doing things for them.  Lately, I’m noticing two opposing schools of thought.  Some parents don’t want their children to think the whole world revolves around them and others are acting like the whole world should.  I can’t consume myself with making sure that my children know the world doesn’t revolve around them.  On the other hand, I don’t want to spend time on trying to make sure others know how to treat my child.  In either situation I wouldn’t be very good at giving them a world in which to learn.  I think that life is full of no’s, especially if you are a child.  Everywhere they go there are height limits, age limits, and people who don’t appreciate children in general.  It’s harder to be a child in today’s world than people think.  It’s good to make their world more friendly and accessible.  I’m not making them think that life is easy and revolves around them, I’m letting them know that they have a parent who is trustworthy and always there to help them.  Parent’s should be generous with their time, money, and resources.  Generosity won’t make children selfish, but a lack of it might.

In many instances, there are parents who seem to show their children that the world *should* revolve around them.  Some parents embrace unschooling philosophies, then mistakenly expect others to do the same.  It could be family, friends, doctors, or a cashier at the store.  For example, unschooling families don’t usually require use of the word please everytime a child wants something.  There is usually a deeper understanding of coerced manners and plenty of thought that goes into living this way.  However, just because *you* don’t require it doesn’t mean that others feel the same way.  In my house, there has been many conversations about what is considered polite and who might appreciate certain behaviors.

Recently, we were at Great Wolf Lodge playing Magiquest.  Milo wanted some popcorn and said to the woman behind the counter, “Yeah, get me a popcorn.” After she asked him, “Can I help you?”.  Probably surprised by his matter of fact confidence, she looked at him with a funny smirk and asked if he could say “Please”.  Milo said please and I allowed the situation to play out naturally (if it hadn’t I may have discussed with him later, how to nicely ask someone for something).  No harm done.  Do I think it’s silly that Milo ordered his popcorn no differently than a grown man might, and she was compelled to make him say please?  Sure I do, that is *my* personal opinion.  Did I have the right to make her act according my wishes?  No, I didn’t, she has the right to be herself.  She was in line with societal expectations, probably according to how she was raised and most people were raised.  I can let my child know that a lot of people like it when kids say please, without making him feel forced to use nice words.  He needs that information.

It’s not a terrible thing for children to learn about societal expectations from society.  Being an unschooler doesn’t exempt us from our culture.  Being unschooled will give him the confidence and the tools for dealing with many of life’s situations.  Being an unschooler means he knows he can trust me to be there for him if and when he needs me.  By saying please, he decided whether or not he was comfortable with the request and then simply honored it.  I often say that we are living a “real life, right now”.  Part of that real life will include deciding if they are ok with the way they are being treated.

In another example, there is much debate in unschooling circles over when and how often children should bathe, comb their hair and change their clothes. I don’t want to get into my personal opinions on these matters.  I feel it is up to the individual family and situation.  However, I *do* want to discuss other people’s reactions to dirty, smelly, or otherwise unkempt children.  Children need to know what is expected of them in certain situations or by certain people.  If my sister’s fancy wedding requests my children be “neat and clean” then that is her right.  Showing up with a dirty kid, who just stepped out of the sandbox isn’t doing anything for my child’s interactions with the world or for my relationship with my sister.  If my mother doesn’t want to go out in public with my child because he is not bathed or has messy hair then that is her right.  These are hypothetical situations, I don’t even have a sister of marrying age or kids who won’t change their clothes, however, my point is that I cannot control other people’s reactions to my lifestyle.  It doesn’t mean it’s an “end all” either.  What I *can* do is share that info as respectfully as possible with my child and help him meet his needs.  If he really wants to go with grandma, but grandma wants him clean, then we can find a way to wash or straighten his hair that is comfortable to him.  Grandma may even be willing to compromise.  This is far different from the need to protect your child from physical or emotional harm.  It is not harmful to a child if someone requires a please, or if someone says “I’m not taking you anywhere until you bathe.”  That’s life, and that’s how they will learn about the people around them and if they choose to be around that person.  Remember, your child has the right to say no and choose not to go with Grandma, and quite often some children do.  Some might argue that it would be manipulative for someone to require something of your child like the examples I’ve given.  This is true given an unschooling perspective, but given a mainstream perspective things like manners, and bathing, and combed hair are normal.  Trying to coerce someone else to treat my child exactly like I would, is also manipulative and I’d prefer try and help the two parties communicate their needs to each other rather than be combative.

I hear stories like this a lot!  Parents suddenly learn all these new ways to think about childhood, and how to treat their children, which is good!  However, they somehow get the misconception that others need to treat their children the same way.  Unschooling doesn’t give parents the right to control others, and acting like it does is not a good example of unschooling or to give your children.  Sometimes, especially in the beginning, we can get really excited about unschooling and we want others to feel that same joy that we do.  We want to change the entire world!  Just remember that you are changing the world just by raising your children mindfully.

Unschooling and even mindful parenting is new and strange to many people!  For me, it is better to walk side by side, planting seeds as I go rather than to try and force the cultivation of new ideas within another person.

I just watched the Radical Unschooling portion of Radical Parenting on Discovery Health. As expected, I’m slightly disappointed. I didn’t have high hopes for the program because going on television and trying to explain Radical Unschooling in 20 minutes is similar to learning Chinese in an hour. I hate the word impossible, but it’s likely that it can’t be done.

First of all, it is hard to bring a valid view of Radical Unschooling using such a young family. While Sarah and Chris Parent did a wonderful job, we really needed more examples and a few of those spectacular teens and grown unschoolers I know! Discovery Health obviously chopped it all up and left in the points that could easily be argued, but understandably so! If the show wasn’t shocking or somewhat entertaining then no one would watch it!

One expert kept calling it “experiential learning”. I really took to that right away. What a great way to describe how unschooled children learn! Right after that, another expert told us that these children were left “on their own” for things like reading, sleeping, and playing! This couldn’t be further from the truth! Unschooled children have their parents all the time. I don’t know any unschooled children who are left “to their own devices” as another put it. What they failed to grasp was that the parents are there all the time acting as facilitators and guides; meeting the children’s needs and supporting their passions and interests.

The big issue seemed to be college. A huge, huge point that I think Discovery Health failed to bring to light, is that children can and will learn what they need to know, when they need to know it. There is no magical age that one needs to learn anything at all. That fact has been proven again and again by grown and successful unschoolers all over the US. The one thing that unschooler’s will recognize however, is that college is a choice, not a requirement.

It’s really hard to present unschooling to the general public. I applaud the Parent family for their decision to unschool and the way they presented themselves, but I think Discovery Health is highly misinformed on the subject and crazy to try and present it in a 20 minute segment.

My ten cents.

For more information on Unschooling there are helpful links on the side of my blog or you can read more of my writing by following the links below.

Defining Unschooling

Articles and Essays

The program will air again. Here’s the link for the schedule. Radical Parenting

I’ve been sick for the last week or so.  I must have picked something up from the UWWG, since I started feeling badly as soon as I got home.  I will affectionately label this one as the “conference crud”.  At least one of us gets it after each conference.  I’ve been so tired, and not really wanting to do more than sit on the computer and veg out.  With these three boys, you can only imagine what our home looks like!  Our basement, which also happens to be the playroom, looked like someone had turned it upside down and shook it out onto the floor.  Not getting it?  Let me see if I can help you conjure up a nice visual.  OK so, our playroom, ate your playroom and then vomited all over my house.  How’s that?

I am feeling so much better today, thanks to the passing of time and possibly Dana Ellis’ magic soup (that she hand delivered, along with some of her fine coffee – how’s THAT for service)!  I went into the basement this morning knowing I was going to finally clean it, and I wound up thinking about how in years past cleaning a house this size (2100 sq. ft.) would have completely overwhelmed me.  I might have done it, but not without complaining, possibly some whining, and certainly not without bitching about the mess to whichever family member happened to be lucky enough to be within earshot.  I’ve learned that in order to not become overwhelmed with the housecleaning, I needed to make it more manageable.  There are a few things I do in my home that help me tremendously.

Shelves, bins, and baskets. I don’t really like the word messy.  I haven’t come up with anything better, but when you are home a lot, things get messy, really messy.  It’s a lived-in house.  Parents who send their children to school have a much easier time keeping their house clean because no one is *in* the house all day.  All over my house there are shelving units, bins, and baskets.  Personally, I like it when everything has its own place.  It’s the only way I feel organized.  Granted, nothing seems to ever BE in its place but, at least it HAS a place!  Having lots of shelves, bins and baskets ensures that the toys always have a place to go, and I can keep the clutter organized.  It also makes for a super fast clean-up if and when I need to.

Space Management. It’s overwhelming to look at an entire house or an entire playroom and think about the house cleaning that needs to be done.  When I went downstairs this morning to pick up, I started in one corner and worked my way through the room.  I work from the top down and in 3ft. x 3ft. squares.  No, I don’t get out a measuring tape, I just sort of visualize a small square to clean and I clean it.  Then, I move on to the next square.  By cleaning small chunks at a time, I feel productive and I can actually *see* the cleaning that is happening vs. running all over the room picking up random objects.  When I clean that way, I become overwhelmed and easily frustrated because nothing ever seems to look any different!

Vacuum as you go (or sweep or dust): After I’ve cleaned a space I tend to vacuum (or sweep) it.  Even if it’s a little space.  It helps  motivate me to keep going and there is no reason a small part of the room can’t look nice.  I do the same for shelves or the kitchen counters.  I clean, square by square, and after a few squares I wash the shelves.  They always look so nice and shiny.  I need that instant gratification, even if tiny.

Know your limits. Everyone is different.  I can clean all day, some people can only clean for short periods of time.  Flylady has the greatest idea of using 15 minute timers for cleaning.  For people who absolutely hate cleaning, picking something small, and setting a timer for 15 minutes is a great idea.  This doesn’t work for everyone, and Flylady sends out so many emails a day, her program isn’t realistic for everyone.  When I start feeling frustrated or fed-up, that’s my cue to stop cleaning and find something enjoyable to do for awhile before I go back to it.  There is no hard and fast rule that I have to clean in a bad mood.

Change your perspective: When my house is especially cluttered, I think to myself that the kids must have been learning a lot.  When the dishes are all dirty, I think about how much they’ve grown and I break out the paper stuff instead.  When the laundry is piled up high, I am thankful the kids are changing into clean clothes!  My house has people in it.  Happy, busy people who leave things everywhere.  I am thankful they are here.  I always feel it’s a good idea to set myself up for success.  When I find myself seeing housework as drudgery then I find a way to make it pleasant. Music is one of my best cleaning tools.  Some people love scented candles, or nice smelling cleaner.  Maybe you want some nice soft cleaning rags.  At the UWWG, I heard Kelly Lovejoy recommend to someone who didn’t like washing dishes, getting some nice dishes, something you love that is nice to touch and wash.  That is a GREAT idea.  Make the experience pleasurable and you will find it easier to change your perspective. Mary Poppins wasn’t wrong when she said, “In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun”.

Lower your expectations: Especially when kids are little!  We are home a lot more, our home is USED for a lot more.  I allow it to be “lived in”.  Perfectly neat and tidy homes are boring anyway.

Whenever I’m feeling negative about something, I stop and ask myself, Why?  Why am I feeling this way?  Many of us were brought up with forced chores and/or the ideal that the house *must* be clean and that has left so many of us with feelings of resentment or anger over the housework.  But WHY should housecleaning be so negative?  By cleaning, I am expressing love for my home, love for my family, and love for myself.  I truly believe the more work I put in when they are little the less I’ll be doing when they are older.  I’m already seeing evidence of that with my eleven year old, who is more and more happy to help out when I need him to.  It’s hard when they are little to keep a tidy home but, they will grow up someday and I might miss them being little.

If you have any tips that make housework more efficient or enjoyable, I’d love to hear them.

I wrote a short post for Darcel, over at The Mahogany Way.  I’ve never been a guest blogger before!  It was a lot of fun.  In the beginning we couldn’t really decide on a topic.  Then after I came back from the conference it sort of hit me.  There has been so much talk about Relaxed Homeschooling vs. Unschooling vs. Radical Unschooling that I thought a short post giving my case for Radical Unschooling would be appropriate.

I haven’t been feeling great, it isn’t my best work, but it’s clear and concise.  Just the way I like to write.

I hope you enjoy it!

Guest Post: My Case For Radical Unschooling

We returned from the UWWG (Unschooler’s Winter Waterpark Gathering) yesterday.  A fabulous time was had by all and many, many thanks to all the organizers!  While, most unschooling conferences are smaller, and are geared toward unschoolers and the unschooling interested, the UWWG is a bit different since it’s open for homeschoolers to unschoolers and everything in between, so long as you take a child-led non-schooly approach or are interested in leaning that way.

TJ and I had a lot of fun speaking together.  I can’t think of anyone else I would rather share the stage with! I felt that our talk went well.  It was well attended too.  I remember looking around the room thinking to myself…  “Wow…  there’s a lot of people here, I hope we say something good!”  I felt so at ease speaking this time, of course I always feel at ease with TJ at my side.  I think the last time I spoke I really built up the fear and drove myself nuts.  I won’t do that again!  When we finished, I glanced down at my phone to check the time.  Only 30 minutes had passed!  Tj and I had microphones, were talking together, and about unschooling and we had only used up 30 minutes.  How on earth did that even happen???  I swear our talk was much longer.  As inexperienced speakers, we didn’t quite understand the importance of making sure we filled up the time slot.

Tj opened up the floor to questions.  Someone wanted advice on how to be a better mom when it feels like your energy has run out.  Someone else wanted assurance that her children would grow to be functional adults.  It seems to me that when people are in the beginning of unschooling they get hung up on things likes college, household chores or bedtime.  Every unschooling talk ends up with one of these types of questions.  It’s not what our presentation was about, but are hot button issues.  As an inexperienced speaker I had a little trouble keeping the discussion on topic and away from becoming an argument.  Things got a little tense and some became defensive over their lifestyle choices.  I was a little disappointed about this.  I really enjoyed sharing our story and loved talking about unschooling and I was so hoping that everyone would leave inspired, not defensive.  In the end I received some really good feedback at the conference or through email about our talk and people really did enjoy it.  Dayna Martin wrote a nice email reminding me, “Ya, the talk got intense, but it is through those moments of intensity that new ideas are embraced.  It was through the seemingly negative responses that others were able to really elaborate on Unschooling philosophy!  People learned so much from your talk!  Frustration and and anger is sometimes part of the process for many people learning alternatives.” Ahh…  just what I needed to hear.

This bit of discussion has had me thinking about the difference between Unschooling and Radical Unschooling.  I think many people view Unschooling as a lack of curriculum and Radical Unschooling as applying the philosophy to their whole lives.  While I love the term Radical Unschooling, I personally do not view it any differently than just Unschooling.  There is NO difference.  It doesn’t happen all at once for everyone, some take longer than others to get there, and that is OK.  I think the general rule of thumb is take one month for every year you spent in school to truly deschool yourself.  Someone accused me of being judgmental for pointing out what wasn’t unschooling, when I felt I was simply being informative.

First of all, it’s perfectly OK to not be an Unschooler.  Some people seem to view Unschooling as a secret little, elitist club and get awfully defensive.  There is nothing wrong with being an eclectic homeschooler or a relaxed homeschooler.  Unschooling is still extremely controversial, when we start having all these different levels of Uschooling it sort of muddies up the label and becomes extremely unclear to those who would like to learn or observe.

In my opinion, it is not going to be successful to compartmentalize Unschooling.  It’s a lifestyle.  Unschoolers live in freedom, they learn everyday, from everything.  Their world is limitless, and there are no subjects or rules.  The world is full of connections, not separations.  Yet when we as parents, impose rules on the lives of our “Unschooled” children we are disengaging life from learning.  We are telling them that even though we believe they can learn what they need to know, that ultimately they cannot decide when they are tired, or hungry, or ready to help pick up the house.  Unschooling isn’t going to work if the illusion of control is maintained over our children.

I truly believe that Unschooling will not work if not used as a whole life philosophy.  So, what do you think?  Am I too late to the party?  Has the labels Unschooling and Radical Unschooling already become separate?  Or should we maintain that they are one in the same?  Pass this on, I want to hear your thoughts.

I was interviewed here by Heather Sedlock, who writes a column entitled Special Needs kids 101.  Recently she was asked:

“Dear Heather,

I am considering homeschooling my daughter and came across a concept called “unschooling.” Is this the same as homeschooling? What is it about? It seems it’s about just living life and the kids aren’t actually taught anything. What do the kids do all day? Do you know anything about this?

Thanks, Tina”

I hope we answered Tina’s questions.  Like I wrote in my post, Defining Unschooling, it can be a fairly tricky lifestyle to describe.

I hope we did a pretty good job.  Enjoy!

“There’s a somewhat dichotomy between schooling & unschooling because one is where one is really well defined and the other is more open ended. Both are testament to their pedagogical nature.”

This came to me in a couple of Tweets yesterday.  First of all, I hate the word pedagogical.  It doesn’t really roll off the tongue nicely.  It causes sort of a gagging sound in the back of my mouth and causes me to try and keep repeating it until it doesn’t.  When I looked it up for verification I found that pedagogy is the science of instruction, and often refers to instructional style.  While  I can’t wrap my brain around the term “science of instruction” I do understand different instructional styles.  Unschooling is not an “instructional style”, and really should not be classified as one of them.  The problem with this is that most people can not see past adults having authority and control over children.  It’s extremely foreign to the mainstream to think that children might actually be anything but students.  The mainstream educational system incites many parents into thinking that children do not want to learn, will not and can not learn outside of a mainstream curriculum.  This couldn’t be further from the truth.  Unschooling children and teens learn in much the same way that babies and toddlers do before they are stuck in school.  Naturally, organically and through their own curiosity.  It is near impossible to *NOT* learn in today’s society.  This is the age of information and technology!

One of the problems with trying to define Radical Unschooling is that there is no simple answer.    If you give someone a definition you inevitably leave some other aspect out.  Some definitions give the wrong impressions, like child-led learning.  I don’t really like this one because I’ve heard of people not offering up anything interesting to their children because they think the child needs to think of it.  Some think unschooling is simply the lack of curriculum and freedom of academics.  But how can a child exercise his innate curiosity if he isn’t given the same right to explore life and be free from others control?

There is no one right way to unschool.  In timely fashion, Danielle Conger said on a list this morning, “…no such thing exists. (If someone says it does, I say they’re selling you snake oil.)” You can’t give an instruction booklet to living life.  If you closed your eyes, and imagined a world where institutionalized schools did not exist in any form, what would you see?  I see freedom.  Real freedom.  It’s not a theory or a feeling, it’s real and the freedom to learn whatever you want, whenever you want is undeniably valuable.  Still, it’s not just learning, it’s doing, seeing, touching, hearing, tasting, and feeling.  It’s living.

Radical Unschooling is less about an educational philosophy and more about freedom and not rehashing all those mistakes our parents made on us.  It’s living a full and interesting life, and not getting in the way of our children’s passions.  It’s providing our children with as much information as we can without the expectation that they learn it.  It’s about supporting their passions and going the extra mile to make sure they have access to what they need to explore that passion to the fullest.  It’s about the individual child, and knowing that he/she is a human being and cannot fit into a mold.  It’s about parenting, remembering what it’s like to be a child, and working hard to not spew the nonsense that was spewed upon us as children.  It’s about learning from others before us, and passing the knowledge to those after us.  It’s an organic life.  It just happens and it’s near impossible to not enjoy it.

Learning happens all the time and there is no reason it needs to be separated into neat little subjects.  Learning doesn’t have to be named or even noticed.  *GASP!*  It just is.  It’s happening, whether you like it or not.  When learning is forced upon children, they lose that curiosity and that zest for life.  They stop asking questions and start looking for a way out.  Life doesn’t stop at 3pm, so why should learning?

I’m watching my newly turned 5 year old learn to read.  He’s not learning alone, yet I am *not* teaching him.  He asks a lot of questions about letters and their arrangements.  He recognizes the shapes of some words.  He asks other adults in his life or that we meet together.  He is learning by using the computer, and playing video games.  He is learning to read because he lives in a text rich society with literate people.  He is learning to read right on schedule… HIS schedule.  It’s because he *wants* to read and he knows just how to get the information he needs, and he is needing it now.  Some children do not need this information until they are 10 or maybe 12.  They are all different and require different information at different times.  It is amazing, yet foreseeable because I trust that he will learn to read, when he needs to.  If I did not trust him to read, he would know that, and I would be getting in his way of his learning process.

Just like life, Radical Unschooling cannot be defined in simple terms.  It is there, to be contemplated, to be discussed, to be learned, and to be questioned.  It can be simple at times and more complicated at others.  We can learn from ourselves and we can learn from others.  We should not and most of could not being doing it alone.  The only common factor is our children and our unquestionable devotion to our relationships with them and their well being.

I guess that’s a silly question because you certainly *can* fail. Fail Blog has proved this in 365 pages and counting. Not only can you fail, you can also EPIC fail as proved by Epic Fail in 121 pages and counting. Obviously, these sites are for amusement and don’t exactly represent the failure I am speaking of. I’m really talking about that deep rooted sense of pure failure. What the question shortens up is, “What would you do if you weren’t taught since you were a tiny little child to fear the possibility of failure?”

The culture of school (and many an adolescence) tells us that there are only two options. We either Pass or we Fail. Of course there are sometimes varying degrees of Pass, but a Fail pretty much feels the same no matter how bad. It doesn’t matter how you sugarcoat grading systems either. My younger twin siblings, now 16, received a 1,2,3, or a 4 as a grade in Intermediate school as an attempt to do away with the stigma of grades. I can’t imagine that 1 felt much different than the F other kids are getting. I’m also quite certain that it’s an insult to a child’s intelligence when you tell him he didn’t fail just because he got a Frog and everyone else got an Alligator.

One evening a few nights ago I was sitting in our Suburban at the grocery store watching a young man, maybe 16, collect carts from the parking lot. He looked bored and unhappy and I immediately became curious about his real dreams. What it was he *really* wanted to do and why he wasn’t doing it? I’d be awfully surprised if he said “collecting grocery carts from a parking lot”. Why is it more important to just get any old job than to seek that which which brings you joy? Who knows, that might lead into a job doing what you love! Almost unheard of!

Our life is almost a grand experiment. I say almost because there are many who have traveled down this road before. Our life is free from grades, tests, scores, or having to “measure up” in some way. Any pressure my kids feel to succeed is a pressure they have chosen to put on themselves. I use Skylar’s love of wrestling as an example. He chooses to be there and to compete because it’s fun for him. It’s human nature to seek joy. However, after spending a lifetime in an institution that is constantly testing you, grading you, and urging you to measure up it becomes near impossible to even remember what you love to do. The fear of failure practically cancels out freedom of choice. My hope for my children is that they grow up and live their adult lives doing what brings them satisfaction and joy. I hope their decisions aren’t impeded by fear but, supported by a love of learning.

A recent Facebook status of a friend asked, “…I know most of you have careers etc. but if money/education/starting over wasn’t an issue, what would you be if you could do it all over?” I replied that it wasn’t, and is never too late to follow her dreams. However, I immediately wondered what caused this person to head down a path they were second guessing. Then a few others posted their dream jobs. Many people take life and career paths that aren’t their first choice because they have a need for measurable success. Often it’s someone else, like a teacher or a parent, who has defined for them what it means to be successful.

I suggest that failure doesn’t exist. It only exists in the minds of those who project it and those who fear it. Failure is a state of mind, not a fact. Dr. Judith Rich published an article in the Huffington Post that suggests, “No matter how complicated and difficult the dance on the tightrope may seem, remember, Love is always present. There is nothing to fear. You cannot fall. Rest in this Love.” The article although somewhat abstract, encourages us to step out of the box, love ourselves, and try something different. She asks, “And what about you? What if you knew you could not fail? What dance would you be dancing right now in your life? And what are you waiting for?”

I wouldn’t even CONSIDER asking a child this question. What the hell does that even mean?

Skylar bought a friend a snack the other day. When the child’s mother noticed, she very condescendingly asked him, “Did you use your manners?” Three times, no less. How horribly embarrassing for him. To not only, have to submit to his mother right there and then, but to his friend.

Consider this, a child says “Mom, can I have some milk?”. Like a broken record in my mind I can hear a parent saying, “What’s the magic word?”. The child says “pweeeeez” and he gets some milk. Please is *not* a magic word. It’s no more a magic word than Abracadabra or A La Peanut Butter Sandwiches. (I know some might disagree, but stick with me here) Eventually, they will know it’s not magic and that it’s a lie. It’s not going to get them what they want every time no matter how sweetly they say it. It’s a lie, children know it, and they are going to get out of saying please whenever they can.

Please is a natural word. I use it in many different ways. “Do you want rainbow sprinkles on your ice cream?” I might say, “Yes! Please!”, to show my excitement. If TJ is really busy but, I really need his help, I might ask “Would you help me lift this box, please?” I might even use it to show my seriousness about the matter. “I do not want the dog on the couch. Please… don’t let him up there”. Or, if someone is bullshitting me, I could always say, “Oh please!” I think please should come as easy as any other expression in the English language. It shouldn’t be a special word saved for special occasions or for submitting to adults. If I asked you for something to drink, would you *dare* look at me, and say “What’s the magic word?”

A favorite story I like to share is from one of Skylar’s wrestling tournaments. They are a bit crazy and require a lot of forethought for entertaining the littles. Skylar was on deck, and Shane (my brother) had just shown up with his girlfriend at the time. Milo stayed with her while I went to film Skylar’s match. Milo said, “I want banana chips.” Unfamiliar with unschooling and our family, she replied, “Can you ask me nicely?” Milo replied with his hands up and shrugged shoulders, “I want banana chips?”. His tone reflected that he was no longer asking for banana chips, he was questioning the question. (We have all shared some giggles over this story!) When children are little we spend a lot of time trying to understand what they are communicating to us. Then, when they can finally communicate with all the proper words, we arbitrarily ask them to use some (non)magic word. Why?

I’m pointing out how ingrained it is, that children are of the lesser value, they must submit, and say the *magic* word or they risk not getting what they want. It’s like asking a dog to sit before giving him a treat. I don’t ask my children to do tricks before I give them a drink, a snack, or a ride to the store. If they *want* milk, I lovingly give them milk, because I am happy to meet their needs. If they want to go to the store for something I lovingly drive them there, for they cannot legally drive themselves. Don’t you know what it’s like to *want* or *need* something you can’t have? It sucks! If I am able to help them get what they want and meet their needs, then I do.

If they are feeling *thankful* for something I have given them or done then they have a right to say thank you, but they also have the right not to say it. If they don’t want to, I don’t mind. It’s not even that I don’t mind, it just doesn’t even cross my mind that they should, because if they aren’t feeling thankful then they shouldn’t say thank you. Not even just to be polite. I don’t think it’s healthy to coerce a child into faking their emotions.

I have been uncomfortable for years, saying thank you. I can remember as a child going over and over in my head, whether it was an appropriate time to say thank you or whether I even *had* to. What I didn’t know at the time was, I never *had* to. I was just always made to feel that way. No one really cared whether I actually felt thankful, or whether my actions or other words were showing gratitude. It was all about those words, “thank you”, and whether I said it or not. I even get uncomfortable when someone says thank you, to me. I wonder if I have coerced the thank you in some way or if I haven’t made them feel welcome enough. Should I even *say* “you’re welcome”? My comfort levels are very relaxed now but, I’m 32. I should have been comfortable a long time ago.

It may sound silly to you but, it’s the danger of making your child’s inner voice your own. My inner voice has only begun to be my own, using my own logic, and my own confidence. In earlier years my inner voice was always a smorgasbord of other people’s. I can’t even explain how confusing that is. I hope that my children have their own inner voices and I hope those voices are strong and confident. If they make mistakes, I want them to hear themselves, not me. I am not the leading authority on my children’s minds and bodies. They are. By not giving them my voice, by not requiring manners, by allowing them the use of their own reason, I’m helping (or not getting in the way of) building a foundation underneath them, strong enough to support them through their adult lives. They shouldn’t have to spend any time, fighting off my voice, my unsolicited advice, or my opinions. If they *want* it, they will ask, and they do. If they don’t want it, then they will tell me, and I’ll shut up and butt out.

That is my case against *forced* manners. If my children ask me for a drink in an angry tone, I get them a drink and ask what’s wrong. If they sound urgent, I can get angry, or I can hurry and get them what they need so they can get back to whatever time sensitive activity they were doing. In my house, my kids and their emotions are real and they are cared about much, much more than being polite and using their manners.

Update:

I have gone back and changed a bit a wording. It seems that a lot of people are misunderstanding the message here. I am NOT rejecting the idea of being polite or being gracious. I’m rejecting the idea of forcing children to be that way. I’m rejecting the ideas of “magic words” and “forced manners” only being robotic pleases and thank yous. My oldest child is so polite and so gracious and so giving. I don’t require him to be that way. He does it because he it feels right to him. He sees his parents being that way and we know it’s important to give children societal expectations. However, we allow them to respond freely. There is also a lot of discussion in our home about situations and social cues.

Later in the day, after I heard the story about Milo I let him know, “She wanted you to say please”. He wasn’t rude in the way he asked, and neither was she. At age (barely) 4, he didn’t understand what she was looking for. I gave him the information he needed to address the situation next time. Being an unschooler is NOT an excuse for rudeness. However, being a parent is not an excuse for rudeness either and I feel that the traditional way of requiring *manners* is also quite rude.

I hope this addition to this post is helpful. I’m *really* appreciating the comments and discussion. If this post keeps being misunderstood, I may just take it down. I’m not ok with my readers thinking that I’m approving of rudeness, especially on the grounds of being an unschooler.