I was asked a very vague question yesterday.  Probably an extremely normal question in most parenting circles and I do not want to take away from the validity of the question.  However, it was a very strange question for me!  I’ve been radical unschooling for quite some time, I felt a little caught off guard.  Had I been prepared I probably could have given a better more thought out answer, rather than possibly sounding like a jerk.

In regards to my twelve year old, “Does he listen?”

I said, “Well, I don’t tell him what to do.”

The reply, “Yeah, I guess you have to just give up.”

I followed up by saying that I’ve never really told him what to do (since RU anyway) and when I need some help with something I ask, and he’s usually happy to help out.  I also said, “He’s awesome!”

I’ve been playing this over in my mind a bit.  I’m not always the best conversationalist.  That’s a very abrupt answer, for a very honest and serious question.  The problem lies with me, that’s how I see things.

If it hurts when you do that, then don’t do that.

Problem solved.  I’m not terribly analytical if I feel a situation doesn’t require it.  I see things very simply.  Still, it’s sort of painful to know that I could have explained myself better and possibly helped someone in their own tough situation.

First of all, let’s just spit out a disclaimer right here: I’m not perfect.  In times of stress I’ve been known to bring out traditional parenting methods and act like a total ass.  It’s what I do, I’m human and I’m not going to beat myself up over it.  I‘ll just keep moving forward.  Stress is a trigger, and I’ll keep that down to a minimum.

Now, on to the question.  I didn’t give up anything.  I let it go.  It’s different.  To me, giving up means I felt defeated in some way, maybe I felt the situation was impossible.  I let it go.  I let go of the illusion that I actually have control over these children, as if they weren’t their own human beings.  One day, I made a decision about how I felt about controlling others and I worked hard, damn hard, to let it all go.  Remember this post?  It’s when I discovered the magic of letting go.  It is magical.

So in response to “does he listen?”, Yes.  He listens.  He listens to me talk, he listens when I’m feeling particularly uncomfortable about a situation.  He listens and hears me when I feel that I need his help.  He trusts me, he takes me seriously.  He listens when someone is hurting or someone is happy.  He listens to the world around him without a need to block anything out.  Most importantly, I listen to him. I take him and his needs seriously.

I don’t tell my kids what to do.  If I slip, and act like I have some sort of authority over them, they are quick to remind me that I don’t.  I appreciate that so much, sooo much.  I have raised, thus far, confident children who know themselves, each other, and their parents.  They are independent and autonomous.  They are not submissive and they are not subordinate.  They are people, right here and right now.  They know what they want, need, and like.  I can accommodate that.  I can help them, because I’m their mom and it’s my job.

I woke up this morning to find this in my inbox.  I’m so happy he participated in our little carnival of love!

I am THAT dad. by TJ Phillips

I:

• Sometimes Ergo (carry) one on my back, while carrying another
• Stay up until 1:00AM, because sometimes that’s the best time for one on one time in a household of 5
• Let my 2 year old jump on the trampoline, with no safety net
• Listen sympathetically when my 5 year old says FUCK, because I know that means he’s legitimately very upset about something
• Hug and kiss my family, and tell every one of them that I love them, every single time I leave the house

He’s not kidding.  He really does never, ever forget.  Even when I do!  I love THAT dad.

I’m writing over at Enjoy Life today.  We all took a family day in downtown Seattle and I had a few thoughts on kindness.  I hope you enjoy it as much as we enjoyed our day together.

You can find me today over at The Mahogany Way for a second guest post.  Darcel asked me to write about living without rules.  I think some unschooled families take great care to not have arbitrary rules and some eschew the term altogether.  Our family, has an approach that I feel rules are completely unnecessary.  It doesn’t mean anything goes.  There are times, that no IS the answer.  There are also times where I will not allow something.  There are reasons I still do not call that rules.  Find out more here:  The Mahogany Way

Hope you enjoy it!

What do you do in your life that you really love?  This should be an easy answer, because you should be spending lots of time doing it.  I love playing music.  I love reading, and writing.  I love camping, food, beekeeping, drawing, traveling and MMA.

Does your job fall on this list?

I consult with Small Businesses about their technology needs.  I love it.  I love showing a business something that they didn’t realize was possible.  I love seeing the look of understanding after I’ve broken down something that was thought to be too complicated to approach.  I love it when I save a business a lot of time and money through adopting new technologies.    I love that every day provides me with new situations, new acquaintances, and new puzzles to figure out.  I love it when I can help save a business from disaster.

I have the best job ever, and I’m the best in the world at it, because I love it.

I was brought through a huge server room when I was about 11, and fell in love immediately.  At that age I didn’t say “Hey, this is what I want to do when I’m old enough to work” but I knew that this was the most exciting place that I had been in my 11 years!  No, seriously, I had left the house before.  I found a way to intern there when I was 15, and was hired as a part-time employee about 6 months later.  I had to be to work at 5:00am every Saturday morning and often worked until 5:00pm Saturday, but I didn’t care, I couldn’t get enough!

During my Junior and Senior years of high school, I had a better understanding of the school’s computer system than anybody at the school did.  They had a programming teacher who understood the basics, and they hired a consultant (who I would become friends with later in life, which made for some funny stories!) for the more complicated issues.

When the school would piss me off, I would break the network.

I would hear over the PA system: “can everybody please log out of the system now, thank you” and I would sit in my seat with my face in a book so nobody could see me tight-lipped and quivering with my face getting red at trying to contain my laughter.  “Take that!”

My programming teacher eventually caught on to what I was up to, though they never could actually catch me doing anything wrong.  I can remember the day I was called out of my English class to come out and talk to him in the hallway.  I walked into the hallway and he and the principle stood there, both looking down at me, and the principle said “Listen, we don’t know what you did, but we know you broke it.  How about you just make this easier for everybody, and fix it.”

I smiled, very genuinely, because in my head, I was looking at the principle and saying “How about you make my life easier and go fuck yourself.”  I didn’t though, I simply smiled and said “I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but let me see what I can do.”  I didn’t have a problem with our programming teacher, any more than I did some of my other teachers.  He would get mad because I didn’t pay attention in his class and wouldn’t put forth any more effort than what was required to get a passing grade, but he wasn’t a bad guy, so I fixed the problem.

The point I’m trying to make is that I did like my programming teacher, and I knew he just thought I was a pain in the ass and a screw up.  When I got my first paycheck, I brought that paystub into school with me to show him.  I was really proud.  Look at this!  I’m using my powers for the forces of good!  I’m helping people, and fixing problems, and…and…upgrading the Citrix cluster!

So I found him in the hall after school and said “Hey Mr. So-and-so, I’m working in the IT department at Company X now, I just got my first paycheck, I’ve got my own desk right in the middle of their server room and…” and as I was talking I was pulling out my paystub to show him, and he looked at me completely uninterested, for about as long as it took me to say that much, before giving me a “mm, great” and turned and walked away from me before I could even finish.

I stood there, deflating, with my paystub in my hand, and waited until he rounded the corner before muttering what I wanted to tell him to his face.  “Fuck you too.”

He told me in 10 seconds that he could give a crap if I was successful in my pursuits of a subject that HE WAS TEACHING ME!  I was a disobedient trouble maker who didn’t care about getting A’s and didn’t learn it in the method that he was teaching it.

Teachers are not the problem though.  There are some really awesome teachers out there (I’m looking at you Peterson!).  I would guess that most people choose this career path because they love the subject, they like working with children, or they want to make a difference in a public school system that gets worse every year.  I don’t believe it’s a system that can be helped, and I think compulsory schooling by its very nature must put obedience in front of actual learning and that this is what actually creates teachers like my old programming teacher.

This was what I thought about when we considered taking our oldest son out of public school in the 1^st grade.  Am I doing what I love today because of what I gained from school?  No.  I’m doing what I love today despite my schooling.  I had my family supporting me, but really, I was fortunate that the passion I had was for something that my family recognized as a profitable career.  If I had instead developed a passion for playing card games, or graffiti, I don’t know that I would have gotten the same support, and I might be doing something today that brings me no joy.

I want my children to do what they love and create their own personal definition of success and not live by somebody else’s.  My kids will always be supported in whatever their passions happen to be, and they will always have me as an example of doing what you love.

TJ Phillips is saving the earth several computers at a time.  He is also my husband and personal superhero.

I’m writing over at Enjoy Life Unschooling today. The title above is the actual title for the article. We seemed to have a little mix-up. Hopefully, it will be fixed soon. Otherwise, Enjoy Life is a fabulous resource for all things unschooling put together by my dear friend Faith.  I’ll be writing a monthly column.

I’m hoping to shift my blog back to a personal blog now that we are more settled and loving life here in Seattle.  But, I love writing!  So, if anyone would like anything written for their website or blog, you can contact me here.

Enjoy Life!

Sibling Issues: Why There Isn’t Always a Resolution for the Conflict

Go to sleep right now.  It’s bedtime.  You are tired and I want you in bed.  If you can’t sleep then just lay there with your eyes closed and eventually you will fall asleep.  Not a word.  It is your bedtime.

I’m trying to think back to when Skylar was little and decide if this ever worked.  Skylar was always the type of kid to crash early, so I don’t remember bedtime being too big a struggle.  Except of course, on those days that he didn’t want to go to bed.    Milo used to cry a lot.  When everyone else was ready for bed, we’d try and rock him, he’d cry.  And cry.  And cry.  Why wouldn’t he sleep!?  A night owl right from the start.  I’ve never had any issues with Phoenix going to sleep or waking up.  Then again, I’ve never had any expectations surrounding his sleep.  He sleeps, when he is tired.

It isn’t really fair to expect someone to go to bed before they are tired.  I’ve witnessed children yelled at, stripped of toys, spanked and forced to lie awake in their rooms.  Let’s not forget the famous cry-it-out method.  Why choose so much anger, hostility, or frustration over bedtime when you can choose kindness and togetherness.  Is it any wonder that these children don’t like to go to sleep when they actually are tired?

Put them in a cage…  I mean crib

I have a quick thought on baby cribs.  This is not to take personally, but just something to think about.  Skylar started out in a crib some years ago.  At 7 months he hoisted himself out and onto the floor.  (Not kidding)  He never slept in the crib again.  He slept with me.  Milo had a crib and a room but rarely ever slept in his crib.  Instead he first slept with us, then we gave him a toddler bed in our room with a lot of pillows on the floor.  He rolled out once.  Phoenix has always slept with us.

Some people think cribs are for safety reasons.  Ensuring that the child can not, either fall out of bed, fall down stairs after waking up or just make it easier for the parent to keep track of the kid.  I tend to think there is a psychological effect as well.  Can you imagine waking up only to find that you’re in a cage?  That you cannot get up and play with the toys scattered about and that the only two ways of getting out is if you cry or jump to injury?  No wonder kids don’t like sleeping!

Cribs strip children of their freedom and autonomy.  I think that extra care needs to be taken when a child is sleeping to ensure their safety and our awareness of what they are doing and where they are.  Baby monitors, regular checks, and baby proofing the room are all ways to keep your child safe.  He doesn’t NEED to be in a cage…  errr crib.

*steps off soapbox*

Sleeping Disorders

“The worst thing in the world is to try to sleep and not to.  ~F. Scott Fitzgerald”

Sleeping disorders are on the rise.  According to a Cleveland Clinic an estimated 75% of Americans experience a sleeping disorder at least a few nights per week.  It would seem to me, that if people were allowed to sleep when they were tired, and wake when they were ready that most of these problems would not exist.  Let’s visit the two big sleep issues.

Circadian Rhythm Disorder – (from Wikipedia) a family of sleep disorders affecting, among other things, the timing of sleep. People with circadian rhythm sleep disorders are unable to sleep and wake at the times required for normal work, school, and social needs. They are generally able to get enough sleep if allowed to sleep and wake at the times dictated by their body clocks. Unless they have another sleep disorder, their sleep is of normal quality. OK, according to the description, this is not a disorder at all.  This is a symptom of society.  If your body is fighting against something unnatural and external, how can this be a disorder?  For those of you who experience this problem, and try and keep regular hours, I wonder if keeping irregular hours would make the problem go away.  This reminds me of ADHD.  Both disorders go away with a lifestyle change.  Interesting.

Insomnia – (from Wikipedia) Insomnia is described as having difficulty falling asleep and/or staying asleep.  In all the causes on Wikipedia, most seem to be caused from external sources, (sensitivities, drugs, medications).  They even site Circadian Rhythm Disorder as a cause.  Bringing me back to the idea that children should sleep when they are tired, and their circadian rhythms should not be disrupted.  Without, actually saying the words, it IS recognized that forcing children to bed before they are ready IS a cause of insomnia.

A childhood of sleep routines and being forced to wake is a damn good way of causing a sleep disorder.  We all know the problems that coincide with sleep deprivation, but forcing someone to bed does not force someone to get adequate sleep.  For a complete list click here.

Creating a Sleepy Atmosphere

I’m sure there are a lot of questions at this point.

• So what happens when a child wants to stay up past an adult’s threshold?
• What happens when everyone else is sleeping and the child is up and it’s important that dad (or the breadwinner) gets his rest in preparation for work?
• What about when my child stays up past his limit and becomes cranky and agitated?

There are a lot of things we can do to create a calm and sleepy atmosphere.  When it gets to be late, turning the volume down on the television and turning lights in the house down low are some ideas.  Ready stories and doing calm activities are some others.  Cuddle in bed.  Be creative.  These don’t always work, especially when someone needs the volume up louder, but give them a shot.

Milo is our night owl.  He very often stays up extremely late and then sleeps in late in the morning.  He sleeps on his own rhythm, an important factor in his development.  We have done many things for him to accommodate his needs and to also meet our needs.  We have often given him a space in our darkened room to:

• Read with a reading light
• Draw or color with a flashlight
• Play with toys under a blanket with a flashlight
• Play Nintendo DS
• Play computer games on the laptop
• Watch a movie on the laptop

It worked for him.  It still works for him.  He enjoys these same activities up in his top bunk now.  He doesn’t care to roam about a dark house alone so it’s a better option to be in his room with his brother.  Sometimes, he really wants to stay up longer with someone so we can negotiate how long we are willing to stay up with him, reading, playing a game, or just cuddling.  Since we respect the kids needs and go the extra mile to accommodate them, they are willing to be respectful of each other and the rest of us when they are sleeping in the same room.  Occasionally they will get giggly and loud, and a gentle reminder is all they need to quiet down.  Skylar sleeps in Milo’s room since the dog prefers it.  Milo really enjoys having Skylar there, and knows that if he isn’t quiet then Skylar has the option of sleeping somewhere else.

Night time is not a free for all.  In general, people sleep at night.  Neighbors, siblings, and the working parent should all be taken into account.  It isn’t fair to say, “we unschool” and have children running wild throughout the house when people are sleeping.  Most of the time, they are happy to help us meet in the middle somewhere.  However, there aren’t any expectations here.  We work hard to make sure their needs are met, and they are so accommodating for us in return.  It’s common sense, we treat them as we want to be treated.  We sometimes hear them remind each other to keep their voices down while playing video games.  We also give them the same respect if and when they sleep in.  Sleep is important and we treat it that way.

“There is no hope for a civilization which starts each day to the sound of an alarm clock.  ~Author Unknown”

Children Know When They Are Tired

I hate it when I hear adults telling their children when they are tired and using that as some sort of leverage to get them in bed.  Phoenix is going to be 2 next month.  We have never had any expectations surrounding his sleep.  He sleeps when he is tired.  He wakes when he has had enough sleep or maybe when he is thirsty or hungry.  We recognize and respect his needs as a human being.  Many times, he crawls into our arms and says “ni-night” when he is ready to sleep.  He knows what it means to be tired and when his body has had enough.  That is more than most adults can say, even myself sometimes.  Forcing him to bed before he is ready, is not worth the lasting negative effects.

It’s taken Skylar and Milo much longer to respond to their bodies when they are tired.  They had bedtimes and miserable experiences set by me when they were younger.  While Skylar seems to have moved past it, Milo is just now starting to show a healthier sleep pattern.  I say healthier by *his* standards not mine.  He is now recognizing when he is tired and finding the things he needs to have or do for a restful night sometimes without our help.

“A wise man eats when he is hungry and sleeps when he is tired.” unknown proverb

x=y(1000/z)

Off the top of your head, what is the value of X if:  y=7.5  and  z=3

“How will my child ever learn how to do Algebra like this?  You’re telling me he’s just going to learn this on his own, while having fun?  No friggin way!  How will my child learn this when I don’t know how to do it, I suck at math!”

You already know how.  You do it every single day and you probably don’t even realize it.   This is considered Elementary Algebra, and it’s as advanced as most students get in High School.  Some people really jump on math, and are doing Calculus in their senior year of High School, but they are the exceptions to the rule.  I like numbers, I’ve always found them to be fun, so I did well with Math in school.  I’m drawn to projects and games that involve working with numbers.  I work in a field where it is necessary to be good with numbers, and I love it.  Do you know how often I need to remember Pythagorean Theorem?  Never.

The preservation of knowledge is important.  Preserving all of mankind’s knowledge inside my child’s brain isn’t important, nor will it ever fit, no matter how it’s crammed in.  If my child decides he wants to be a Physicist, it will be because he loves Physics, and he will pursue it with a passion that will put him ahead of others in that field.

I have to convert numbers between binary and decimal from time to time.  I do it all day long in my head though because I find it to be so much fun that I actually wear a watch that tells time in binary.  I know, sorry ladies, I’m taken.

I’m not trying to make a point here about passion led learning though.  People talk about how much they suck at math.  I’ve even heard this as an excuse for continuing to force your children to go to public school:   “I suck at math, I could never teach that to my kids!” If you suck at math, and you went to school, how is school-taught mathematics going to be different for your child?

I think what people fail to see is that they actually are good with numbers, even algebra, they just don’t realize it.  They use it all day, every day, and fail to see it because they have been taught that Math is just something that they don’t get.  They look at the above formula and go blank.  These types of formulas are what people think of when they think about doing math, and that really is looking at numbers all wrong.

Stop thinking about Mathematics, and try to keep in the mindset that it’s just numbers.  Using the above formula is a method for teaching people how to use numbers.  For some people that formula makes a lot of sense.  For other people it looks like complete gibberish, although that formula represents something that they probably do all the time and don’t realize it.  If this is you, then you have probably taught yourself algebra from things you do in the real world, and it has happened so naturally that you didn’t even see it happen.  It’s not that you are bad at math, it’s that the method in which Elementary Algebra was taught to you is not a method that works for you.

I used the above formula for a reason.  It’s a formula that my 11 year old son has done in his head since he was probably 9, and he has no idea that he’s doing Algebra.

x=y(1000/z)

This is what happens when my son is playing Runescape, and needs another 1,000gp to buy something in the game.  He needs to collect items in the game that he can then sell at the Grand Exchange.  The value of items fluctuate from day to day, so while one day it might be most profitable to mine coal, the next day it might be better to gather Big Bones.  He understands how much time it takes to gather different items, so with just a few minutes of looking at the current rates, he knows what he’s going to go and gather.

That’s it.  He just did the above formula in his head.  He doesn’t know that formula, but it doesn’t actually matter. Ever.

X=time in minutes it will take to accrue 1000gp

z=value of item

y=minutes it takes to gather z

Obviously, I like numbers.  I didn’t learn about binary or hexadecimal, or even Cryptography in High School, I learned it on my own because I love numbers.  I sucked at art class.  I didn’t do art the way we were supposed to do art in our classroom.  I still don’t understand how to match colors.  I used to draw this guy with a mohawk who would always be giving somebody the finger.  It was my sneaky way of giving my art teacher the finger.  I have only recently come to realize that I like to draw, and it has taken my 11 year old son years to convince me that I don’t suck at art.  Turns out, I don’t!  I’m not Frank Frazetta or Alex Ross, but I’m not Bruce Schneier either, and that doesn’t stop me from noticing that it’s now 1100:100100 and I’m late for lunch!

TJ Phillips is the unschooling dad of Skylar 11, Milo 5, and Phoenix 2.  He likes caffeine, beekeeping, and has a complete formula for buying groceries, at which stores, and for the cheapest amount of money: all saved in his head.  He also happens to be my husband and soul mate.

We have just returned from the Life is Good Unschooling Conference.  Attending these gatherings is an extremely important part of unschooling for me.  When people are new at unschooling I always tell them, don’t try and do this alone.  Find your people, or as many of you say “find your tribe”.  I am someone who does everything alone.  I don’t ask for help often, I don’t often share my emotions and I tend to be a fairly private person.  However, one of the things I cannot do is unschool my children alone.  I need you, and you need me.  I love conferences more than I love any other social gathering.  Conferences have so much to offer everyone, of every age.  (Actually, since finding my tribe, I find that much of what I wrote about not sharing my emotions has become completely untrue when I’m with them!)

For me, I’m a people watcher.  I much prefer to sit back and watch the goings on then be all sucked up into the middle of it.  One night at the conference dance, as I looked on into the crowd of children and parents, I was reminded how the world should be.  It is our obligation to give our children that world, not to force upon them a world as we have made it.  Amidst the faces in the dancing sea, I notice quirky, creative, and confident children and uninhibited adults basking in the glow of their awesomeness.  Those kids are the lucky ones, the ones who have shown their parents the way toward more peaceful and gentle ways.  Those parents are the blessed ones, who without those amazing children wouldn’t be parents at all.  Most of these children, would be eaten alive by the school system and the social order and many have risen from being crushed such an atrocity on the human spirit.  Every last child in the world deserves such a beautiful life and it makes me sad that they can’t all have it.  It makes me even sadder that the ones who can have it, won’t ever get it.

We’re taught to point our fingers at everyone but ourselves.  It’s the problem with school, the problem with society, and even the problem with government.  Most parents could never unschool, because they don’t want to take that deep hard look at themselves.  Not being in control scares the hell out of people.  People spend 18 or more years under someone else control and living in shame and fear.  They have no idea in the world what might happen if they allow children to leave their control.  That’s where the fear begins.  Fear holds us back and prevents of from remembering that this is just a life.  It is a glorious, wonderful life and we should be living it!  Sadly, most don’t even know what that means.

As I sat in the chair watching all those out of control children of life, a sea of toddlers, kids, teens, and parents I thought to myself, this is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen; a gleaming example of people being honored for being right where they are.  A gathering of unschoolers meets a myriad of needs.  Some of us like to sit back and observe, some of like dance with our friends, and some of us like to get on that stage and shine like we never have before.  Yeah, you know who I’m talking about!  Differences are fascinating and in unschooling those differences are embraced, nurtured, and protected.  Now THAT is monumental change.

If you wanted to learn more about birds, or even a specific type of bird, what would you do? I’d use the internet, maybe read a few books, or possibly head to a natural museum of some kind; the opportunities for leaning about birds are endless. Did you ever stop to think where that information came from? How do we know all these amazing facts about birds, that we are able to record, store, and share that information? The answer is simple.

Observation and Experience.

Maybe we observed and listened. Maybe we even had the chance to care for a baby bird or an injured bird. However, we learned through experience. Deciding ahead of time how a bird should behave, conduct its daily activities, and learn to be a bird would only inhibit the bird’s natural, instinctual learning process. We learn about birds, by allowing birds to be birds, and do what birds do. Sure, there are trained birds, but do you think that a bird could be trained without knowing and respecting natural bird behavior? It’s still a wild animal and it could still peck your eyes out if it wanted to. (Nice visual for you) If books on birds are about birds, based on observation and studies, then why are most books on children about getting them to behave like something other than children? Why do we decide ahead of time, how a child should be, without observing who he is?

John Holt is an amazing researcher and writer and went on the most fabulous journey from school reformer to understanding that children learn organically. His own learning process is evident in his books if read chronilogically. He made these observations, by watching, listening, and being part of children’s lives. Sadly he died in the 1980’s and most people have never even heard of him.

If you wanted to learn about children, and you didn’t know how to find any to observe without looking like a creep, you’d have a problem. There are books, articles, and even a children’s museum! However, there is very little information out there on a child’s natural learning process. Most books out there seek to teach us how to control children. How to get them to do what we want them to do.  For a reason I cannot begin to understand, parents have decided that children should behave and learn in a certain way, without actually knowing a thing about kids. Just because you were once a child, doesn’t mean you know anything about being a child. That is dependent on two things:

1. How you were raised.
2. How much you remember.

If you’re like me, you were raised fairly traditionally, with rules and boundaries and punishments and a traditional compulsory education. If you’re like me, you remember all of it and all of the emotions associated with such treatment. However, not everybody does. Try suggesting to someone that the way they were raised might be wrong. It doesn’t always resonate positively with those who do not remember.

Why We Have a Honeybee Hive

We sure do like honey. I’ve heard honeycomb is the bee’s knees. I’ve also heard that backyard honey product making can be quite a profitable little business. However, none of those reasons is why we have a beehive. Our experience with honeybees has been the most perfect example of how children and how humans learn. Let’s recap together.

• We find ourselves with a backyard honeybee swarm. We all watch out the window engaged, amazed, and somewhat exhilarated! None of us had ever seen so many bees in our lives!
• They are LOUD. We can hear them through the window!
• They slowly move in a cloud across the sky. It seems chaotic, yet highly organized.
• Slowly they all trickle into the same place and the large bunch of bees becomes bigger and bigger as time passes.
• Have they found a new nesting spot? Will they stay there? Are they dangerous? What should we do?
• The Beekeeper comes to remove the swarm. We observe that honeybees are fairly docile. We ask him LOTS of questions and an interest in having our own hive arises.
• After this amazing experience we all become keenly aware of our surroundings. It’s spring. All the animals seem to be paired off, if only for a short time. We see a coyote, birds, bees, and raccoons! We also pick up a beehive.
• There is a persistent yearning to know more about honeybees. We get books and a documentary. We read internet articles and watch youtube videos.
• Within a week, we have our own hive full of 26,000 bees.

We don’t have a hive so we can make money or even honey. We have a hive because we have a need to know more and to get closer to our experience and apply our knowledge.  This is how humans learn. We observe and experience. I couldn’t imagine only learning about honeybees in a book or movie. It wouldn’t be the same.

Skylar has a personal honeybee memory that he has retrieved in this current experience. He was always interested in bugs. He would befriend them. He let them crawl on him, put them on his bike seat, and put them in the swing. TJ brought him along to a friend’s house and while exploring Skylar noticed that there were some honeybees flying around the mailbox. He wanted to check them out. TJ warned him that bees might sting him but Skylar just knew that they were “friendly bees”. After all the time he had spent with various bugs, none of them had bitten him so he deduced that the bees must be friendly as well. He went up to the mailbox and defending their nest he was stung in the face, twice. He learned through experience. Am I saying that children need to get stung by bees in the face to understand that they sting? No. I am showing evidence of a child’s scientific research and how sometimes you just cannot stop it, no matter what you do.

My Documents

I imagine the human brain being much like a computer in the way it saves files. Even more, like the Window’s Operating System in the way it organizes data into folders and files; or My Documents. A child in school is receiving massive amounts of information all at once, over the course of eight or so hours. Very little of this information is retained for very long, if at all. He has no time for creating folders and saving files into appropriate places. The files become a scattered mess intertwined with the things the child actually wants to learn. The more information that is forced upon him, the more difficult it becomes to access the proper files when he needs them. Children need application and processing time. When a subject becomes of interest to the child, there is often some sort of real life application. My son’s current interest in honeybees is the result of witnessing a swarm. He wants to know everything about honey bees his brain can handle. He is filing away that information into the proper folder.

He is going to file it away in the best way that works for him. In the same way Skylar retrieved the information he learned when he was stung, he will retrieve his new information in future dealings with honeybees. In traditional school, they say, file this information here:

Earth Science - Entymology

• Kingdom – Animalia
• Phylum – Arthropoda
• Class – Insecta
• Family – Apidae
• Genus – Apis
• Species – mellifera

Yet very little of this makes any sense to the child at all. There is no application. If the child is lucky happens to attend school the next day, there will be a test. They may learn that saying “King Phillip Came Over From Greater Spain” will help them remember all of the answers, only further making the information irrelevant to their lives. Rote memorization is meaningless. Henry Adams, American journalist, historian, academic and novelist , once said, “Nothing in education is so astonishing as the amount of ignorance that accumulates in the form of inert facts.” Why would a child even need to know all of that information? How many children who learn these facts will actually use this information in life? There is no use in forcing children to learn information in advance, especially since we don’t know what information they will actually need in their individual futures. Schools tend to muddy the waters, giving children the impression that they need to know all of what they are being taught in order to live an adult life. Sure, a kid can learn about honeybees in school but, I think it’s a horrible waste of time when he might rather be learning about thunderstorms or dinosaurs.

John Taylor Gatto said it even better than I can articulate, “It is absurd and anti-life to be a part of a system that compels you to listen to a stranger reading poetry when you want to learn to construct buildings, or to sit with a stranger discussing the construction of buildings when you want to read poetry.”

I’ll leave you with this amazing story of children aged 6 through 16 who built their own playground with no help from adults and no safety regulations.  It is inspiring and sends just the right message.  Trust Children.  What Happens When Children Build Their Own Three-Story Playgrounds?

I’ve been meaning to touch on this subject for awhile now, but I’ve been hesitant.  I’m not a gamer.  I don’t feel drawn to playing video games like the rest of my family does, so I often feel a little at a loss to explain it.  This post inspired me to finally write a few things that I’ve had in the back of my brain for while now.  Kelli has three awesome teenagers and avid (or at one time) gamers.  Her family is an absolute joy to be around, and none of those stereotypes about kids who play too many video games apply.

My kids love video games and I love watching them play.  I love the joy on their faces when they discover something new and seeing the accomplishment they feel when they figure out a problem.   They are experiencing learning, fulfillment, and joy.  I see:

Reading-Math-Science-Geography-History-Civics-Politics-Strategy-Critical thinking-Time management-Hand-eye coordination-Delayed gratification-Challenge-Perseverance-Teamwork-Music appreciation-Art appreciation-Greater understanding of technology-Resource management-Multi-tasking

The list doesn’t end there, in fact the list of skills acquired from gaming are too many to mention in one teensy blog post.  Maybe they shouldn’t be called video games at all, maybe they should be called “complete on-screen experiences”, because that’s exactly what they are.

Ever since the media has gotten a hold of Unschooling, I keep seeing comments that all seem to express the same sentiment, that video games are a complete waste of time (apparently the military doesn’t think so) and that allowing your children unlimited computer or video game time is a bad idea.  I wanted to explore the reasoning behind the “video games will rot your brain” theory, but I’m having trouble coming up with any well researched and valid points that point to the negative.  I picked three of the most common myths and included some links.

Video games will rot your brain. If you can show me a rotted brain from video game playing, I’ll eat my shoe.  Yes, seriously.  I’m that confident.  I wish people would stop saying this ridiculous comment.  Even in the worst of circumstances, it seems to me that playing video games will exercise your brain whether you like it or not.  I wonder why these doctors would play a video game right before entering surgery if video games would rot their brains.  Or why they are recommended for seniors experiencing subsyndromal depression. While I’m pointing out examples, don’t pilots often train or hone their skills on elaborate flight simulators?

Video games are addictive. This amazing world develops something as awesome, powerful, and life changing as video games and of course we start calling it addictive.  It holds people’s attention, it captivates and challenges minds of every age and that’s a bad thing?  Short attention spans are bad, now long attention spans are bad?  I’m confused.  When did passion turn into addiction? Check out: Don’t Bother Me Mom, I’m Learning and from my “must read” section How Video Games Blind Us With Science.

Video Games make kids socially inept. How does this theory hold up in a society of MMORPG’s (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games)? Games often need to be solved by a team of people.  My two boys work together to create new worlds and solve challenges regularly. Video games are incredibly social.

Here’s a great piece by PBS, dispelling some of the other myths surrounding video games.  Reality Bytes: Eight Myths About Video Games Debunked

Would you believe me if I told you my kids are never bored?

It’s true, they are practically never bored.  Since Skylar came home from school, I can probably count the times he has said, “Mom, I’m bored” on my hands and feet.  The “I’m bored”’s have lessened over time and now I can’t remember the last time I heard that phrase.  He never says it anymore.  He learned how to be bored in school.  He went to school, sat through mundane lessons, did what he was told (errr…  was supposed to anyway), and learned to sit quietly while blankly staring at the front of the room.  Boring.

I don’t think it’s the teachers fault at all.  I had some really awesome teachers in my life.  The one teacher that comes to mind taught the class “Nature of Man”.  He was fabulous.  Exciting, engaging, and he obviously loved what he was teaching.  I didn’t do well in his class, but that was more due to the fact that I never felt the drive to get good grades.  They didn’t matter much to me.  What I did do however was have a lot of fun in that class.  Still, even Mr. Peterson couldn’t cure my boredom.  I loved pottery.  I could have been in the pottery studio all day most days.  Pottery was the reason my gym teacher took mercy on me for being so completely disengaged in his class.  I brought in a piece I had finished, left it on the bleachers during class and by the end of the day I learned that my failing grade would be turned into a passing one.  He said, “I see that gym just isn’t your thing”.  The seemingly not-so-nice-guy, turned out OK.    It didn’t really take away the belittling he did to a lot of other kids that year, but it helped a little.

The problem is that until that point no one ever realized what I would have rather been doing.  It didn’t matter.  What matters is what needs to get done;  that the goals and tests set by bureaucracy are met.  Some kids may choose the lesson plan.  Most, I think, would not.  What the student would like to be doing is completely irrelevant during the school hours.  It doesn’t matter.  What matters is what he or she *has* to be doing.  There lies the cause of boredom.  It’s not that there is nothing to do, it’s that they can’t do what they want to do and it becomes nearly impossible to focus on the task at hand when their mind is somewhere else.  This is my experience and I’m sure it’s not everyone’s experience but there isn’t a student out there who wouldn’t like to be doing something else at some time during school.

Choice Matters

It matters what a child wants to be doing.  A child’s interests are the gateway to basic knowledge.  Their curiosity leads to greater understanding of the things we might see as fundamental.  Teaching the fundamentals first, as if we needed them before we can enjoy a particular subject, is ridiculous.  Learning comes from living, from enjoying, from curiosity, but if the child isn’t interested in the subject he isn’t really learning, and if the child is told he can’t learn about it any other way that stops him from learning about it when he is ready.  When you are curious, you can’t be bored.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. ~Albert Einstein

Astra Taylor said once in an interview that her mom used to say to her, “If you’re bored, you’re boring.” I don’t think that I would ever say this to a child.  It’s kind of nasty really, especially to an overly sensitive child.  However, after reading that, it sort of clicked in my adult mind.  Yeah…that’s true!  If I’m bored, then it’s because I’m boring.  I shared it with my brother, who also felt it resonate within him.  I think we are taught to be boring.  Years of being told what to do and taught to follow direction won’t make a very motivated group of people, will it?

Revive Your Curiosity and Cure Your Boredom

Watch a small child. Children start out curious.  When Milo enters a new situation, he finds something interesting about every 5 feet.  He is curious about the world around him.  He asks a lot of questions.  His curiosity will guide him through life long learning.

Be a tourist in your town. Start where you are.  Hit up the chamber of commerce.  Visit landmarks and points of interest.  What would a tourist do in your town?

Read blogs. I love reading blogs.  I get so many good ideas from bloggers.  It also gives me a little window into someone’s life.  My curiosity about people drives me to learn more.

Talk to people. At our house, there are rocks and gems built into the stone walls and massive pieces of petrified wood lining the stairs.  I know the owner used to work for the transportation department.  I want to know more, we’ve been asking a lot of questions.

Kids don’t have to try to be curious.  They don’t even have to name it.  It’s just there, driving them to move forward.  Adults who have spent large amounts of time in school or in strict households maybe need a boost.  I used to be a serious daydreamer, but most of it turned into just spacing out by having to sit in school.  Slowly, I regained my curiosity and I’m so thrilled to have my guide back.

Almost all kids enter the system immensely curious. But after a few years in the Boring Institute, most kids are nodding off, texting their friends or disappearing inside their own brains. Soon they only really care about grades. For many even that, too, dissipates and dropping out starts to feel like a relief. In time. they’ll be learning everything there is to know about Kim Kardashian, Brad Pitt and Kate Gosselin. – Albert Nerenberg