I spend a lot of time with my children.  I also spend of lot of time doing things for them.  Lately, I’m noticing two opposing schools of thought.  Some parents don’t want their children to think the whole world revolves around them and others are acting like the whole world should.  I can’t consume myself with making sure that my children know the world doesn’t revolve around them.  On the other hand, I don’t want to spend time on trying to make sure others know how to treat my child.  In either situation I wouldn’t be very good at giving them a world in which to learn.  I think that life is full of no’s, especially if you are a child.  Everywhere they go there are height limits, age limits, and people who don’t appreciate children in general.  It’s harder to be a child in today’s world than people think.  It’s good to make their world more friendly and accessible.  I’m not making them think that life is easy and revolves around them, I’m letting them know that they have a parent who is trustworthy and always there to help them.  Parent’s should be generous with their time, money, and resources.  Generosity won’t make children selfish, but a lack of it might.

In many instances, there are parents who seem to show their children that the world *should* revolve around them.  Some parents embrace unschooling philosophies, then mistakenly expect others to do the same.  It could be family, friends, doctors, or a cashier at the store.  For example, unschooling families don’t usually require use of the word please everytime a child wants something.  There is usually a deeper understanding of coerced manners and plenty of thought that goes into living this way.  However, just because *you* don’t require it doesn’t mean that others feel the same way.  In my house, there has been many conversations about what is considered polite and who might appreciate certain behaviors.

Recently, we were at Great Wolf Lodge playing Magiquest.  Milo wanted some popcorn and said to the woman behind the counter, “Yeah, get me a popcorn.” After she asked him, “Can I help you?”.  Probably surprised by his matter of fact confidence, she looked at him with a funny smirk and asked if he could say “Please”.  Milo said please and I allowed the situation to play out naturally (if it hadn’t I may have discussed with him later, how to nicely ask someone for something).  No harm done.  Do I think it’s silly that Milo ordered his popcorn no differently than a grown man might, and she was compelled to make him say please?  Sure I do, that is *my* personal opinion.  Did I have the right to make her act according my wishes?  No, I didn’t, she has the right to be herself.  She was in line with societal expectations, probably according to how she was raised and most people were raised.  I can let my child know that a lot of people like it when kids say please, without making him feel forced to use nice words.  He needs that information.

It’s not a terrible thing for children to learn about societal expectations from society.  Being an unschooler doesn’t exempt us from our culture.  Being unschooled will give him the confidence and the tools for dealing with many of life’s situations.  Being an unschooler means he knows he can trust me to be there for him if and when he needs me.  By saying please, he decided whether or not he was comfortable with the request and then simply honored it.  I often say that we are living a “real life, right now”.  Part of that real life will include deciding if they are ok with the way they are being treated.

In another example, there is much debate in unschooling circles over when and how often children should bathe, comb their hair and change their clothes. I don’t want to get into my personal opinions on these matters.  I feel it is up to the individual family and situation.  However, I *do* want to discuss other people’s reactions to dirty, smelly, or otherwise unkempt children.  Children need to know what is expected of them in certain situations or by certain people.  If my sister’s fancy wedding requests my children be “neat and clean” then that is her right.  Showing up with a dirty kid, who just stepped out of the sandbox isn’t doing anything for my child’s interactions with the world or for my relationship with my sister.  If my mother doesn’t want to go out in public with my child because he is not bathed or has messy hair then that is her right.  These are hypothetical situations, I don’t even have a sister of marrying age or kids who won’t change their clothes, however, my point is that I cannot control other people’s reactions to my lifestyle.  It doesn’t mean it’s an “end all” either.  What I *can* do is share that info as respectfully as possible with my child and help him meet his needs.  If he really wants to go with grandma, but grandma wants him clean, then we can find a way to wash or straighten his hair that is comfortable to him.  Grandma may even be willing to compromise.  This is far different from the need to protect your child from physical or emotional harm.  It is not harmful to a child if someone requires a please, or if someone says “I’m not taking you anywhere until you bathe.”  That’s life, and that’s how they will learn about the people around them and if they choose to be around that person.  Remember, your child has the right to say no and choose not to go with Grandma, and quite often some children do.  Some might argue that it would be manipulative for someone to require something of your child like the examples I’ve given.  This is true given an unschooling perspective, but given a mainstream perspective things like manners, and bathing, and combed hair are normal.  Trying to coerce someone else to treat my child exactly like I would, is also manipulative and I’d prefer try and help the two parties communicate their needs to each other rather than be combative.

I hear stories like this a lot!  Parents suddenly learn all these new ways to think about childhood, and how to treat their children, which is good!  However, they somehow get the misconception that others need to treat their children the same way.  Unschooling doesn’t give parents the right to control others, and acting like it does is not a good example of unschooling or to give your children.  Sometimes, especially in the beginning, we can get really excited about unschooling and we want others to feel that same joy that we do.  We want to change the entire world!  Just remember that you are changing the world just by raising your children mindfully.

Unschooling and even mindful parenting is new and strange to many people!  For me, it is better to walk side by side, planting seeds as I go rather than to try and force the cultivation of new ideas within another person.

“There’s a somewhat dichotomy between schooling & unschooling because one is where one is really well defined and the other is more open ended. Both are testament to their pedagogical nature.”

This came to me in a couple of Tweets yesterday.  First of all, I hate the word pedagogical.  It doesn’t really roll off the tongue nicely.  It causes sort of a gagging sound in the back of my mouth and causes me to try and keep repeating it until it doesn’t.  When I looked it up for verification I found that pedagogy is the science of instruction, and often refers to instructional style.  While  I can’t wrap my brain around the term “science of instruction” I do understand different instructional styles.  Unschooling is not an “instructional style”, and really should not be classified as one of them.  The problem with this is that most people can not see past adults having authority and control over children.  It’s extremely foreign to the mainstream to think that children might actually be anything but students.  The mainstream educational system incites many parents into thinking that children do not want to learn, will not and can not learn outside of a mainstream curriculum.  This couldn’t be further from the truth.  Unschooling children and teens learn in much the same way that babies and toddlers do before they are stuck in school.  Naturally, organically and through their own curiosity.  It is near impossible to *NOT* learn in today’s society.  This is the age of information and technology!

One of the problems with trying to define Radical Unschooling is that there is no simple answer.    If you give someone a definition you inevitably leave some other aspect out.  Some definitions give the wrong impressions, like child-led learning.  I don’t really like this one because I’ve heard of people not offering up anything interesting to their children because they think the child needs to think of it.  Some think unschooling is simply the lack of curriculum and freedom of academics.  But how can a child exercise his innate curiosity if he isn’t given the same right to explore life and be free from others control?

There is no one right way to unschool.  In timely fashion, Danielle Conger said on a list this morning, “…no such thing exists. (If someone says it does, I say they’re selling you snake oil.)” You can’t give an instruction booklet to living life.  If you closed your eyes, and imagined a world where institutionalized schools did not exist in any form, what would you see?  I see freedom.  Real freedom.  It’s not a theory or a feeling, it’s real and the freedom to learn whatever you want, whenever you want is undeniably valuable.  Still, it’s not just learning, it’s doing, seeing, touching, hearing, tasting, and feeling.  It’s living.

Radical Unschooling is less about an educational philosophy and more about freedom and not rehashing all those mistakes our parents made on us.  It’s living a full and interesting life, and not getting in the way of our children’s passions.  It’s providing our children with as much information as we can without the expectation that they learn it.  It’s about supporting their passions and going the extra mile to make sure they have access to what they need to explore that passion to the fullest.  It’s about the individual child, and knowing that he/she is a human being and cannot fit into a mold.  It’s about parenting, remembering what it’s like to be a child, and working hard to not spew the nonsense that was spewed upon us as children.  It’s about learning from others before us, and passing the knowledge to those after us.  It’s an organic life.  It just happens and it’s near impossible to not enjoy it.

Learning happens all the time and there is no reason it needs to be separated into neat little subjects.  Learning doesn’t have to be named or even noticed.  *GASP!*  It just is.  It’s happening, whether you like it or not.  When learning is forced upon children, they lose that curiosity and that zest for life.  They stop asking questions and start looking for a way out.  Life doesn’t stop at 3pm, so why should learning?

I’m watching my newly turned 5 year old learn to read.  He’s not learning alone, yet I am *not* teaching him.  He asks a lot of questions about letters and their arrangements.  He recognizes the shapes of some words.  He asks other adults in his life or that we meet together.  He is learning by using the computer, and playing video games.  He is learning to read because he lives in a text rich society with literate people.  He is learning to read right on schedule… HIS schedule.  It’s because he *wants* to read and he knows just how to get the information he needs, and he is needing it now.  Some children do not need this information until they are 10 or maybe 12.  They are all different and require different information at different times.  It is amazing, yet foreseeable because I trust that he will learn to read, when he needs to.  If I did not trust him to read, he would know that, and I would be getting in his way of his learning process.

Just like life, Radical Unschooling cannot be defined in simple terms.  It is there, to be contemplated, to be discussed, to be learned, and to be questioned.  It can be simple at times and more complicated at others.  We can learn from ourselves and we can learn from others.  We should not and most of could not being doing it alone.  The only common factor is our children and our unquestionable devotion to our relationships with them and their well being.

I wouldn’t even CONSIDER asking a child this question. What the hell does that even mean?

Skylar bought a friend a snack the other day. When the child’s mother noticed, she very condescendingly asked him, “Did you use your manners?” Three times, no less. How horribly embarrassing for him. To not only, have to submit to his mother right there and then, but to his friend.

Consider this, a child says “Mom, can I have some milk?”. Like a broken record in my mind I can hear a parent saying, “What’s the magic word?”. The child says “pweeeeez” and he gets some milk. Please is *not* a magic word. It’s no more a magic word than Abracadabra or A La Peanut Butter Sandwiches. (I know some might disagree, but stick with me here) Eventually, they will know it’s not magic and that it’s a lie. It’s not going to get them what they want every time no matter how sweetly they say it. It’s a lie, children know it, and they are going to get out of saying please whenever they can.

Please is a natural word. I use it in many different ways. “Do you want rainbow sprinkles on your ice cream?” I might say, “Yes! Please!”, to show my excitement. If TJ is really busy but, I really need his help, I might ask “Would you help me lift this box, please?” I might even use it to show my seriousness about the matter. “I do not want the dog on the couch. Please… don’t let him up there”. Or, if someone is bullshitting me, I could always say, “Oh please!” I think please should come as easy as any other expression in the English language. It shouldn’t be a special word saved for special occasions or for submitting to adults. If I asked you for something to drink, would you *dare* look at me, and say “What’s the magic word?”

A favorite story I like to share is from one of Skylar’s wrestling tournaments. They are a bit crazy and require a lot of forethought for entertaining the littles. Skylar was on deck, and Shane (my brother) had just shown up with his girlfriend at the time. Milo stayed with her while I went to film Skylar’s match. Milo said, “I want banana chips.” Unfamiliar with unschooling and our family, she replied, “Can you ask me nicely?” Milo replied with his hands up and shrugged shoulders, “I want banana chips?”. His tone reflected that he was no longer asking for banana chips, he was questioning the question. (We have all shared some giggles over this story!) When children are little we spend a lot of time trying to understand what they are communicating to us. Then, when they can finally communicate with all the proper words, we arbitrarily ask them to use some (non)magic word. Why?

I’m pointing out how ingrained it is, that children are of the lesser value, they must submit, and say the *magic* word or they risk not getting what they want. It’s like asking a dog to sit before giving him a treat. I don’t ask my children to do tricks before I give them a drink, a snack, or a ride to the store. If they *want* milk, I lovingly give them milk, because I am happy to meet their needs. If they want to go to the store for something I lovingly drive them there, for they cannot legally drive themselves. Don’t you know what it’s like to *want* or *need* something you can’t have? It sucks! If I am able to help them get what they want and meet their needs, then I do.

If they are feeling *thankful* for something I have given them or done then they have a right to say thank you, but they also have the right not to say it. If they don’t want to, I don’t mind. It’s not even that I don’t mind, it just doesn’t even cross my mind that they should, because if they aren’t feeling thankful then they shouldn’t say thank you. Not even just to be polite. I don’t think it’s healthy to coerce a child into faking their emotions.

I have been uncomfortable for years, saying thank you. I can remember as a child going over and over in my head, whether it was an appropriate time to say thank you or whether I even *had* to. What I didn’t know at the time was, I never *had* to. I was just always made to feel that way. No one really cared whether I actually felt thankful, or whether my actions or other words were showing gratitude. It was all about those words, “thank you”, and whether I said it or not. I even get uncomfortable when someone says thank you, to me. I wonder if I have coerced the thank you in some way or if I haven’t made them feel welcome enough. Should I even *say* “you’re welcome”? My comfort levels are very relaxed now but, I’m 32. I should have been comfortable a long time ago.

It may sound silly to you but, it’s the danger of making your child’s inner voice your own. My inner voice has only begun to be my own, using my own logic, and my own confidence. In earlier years my inner voice was always a smorgasbord of other people’s. I can’t even explain how confusing that is. I hope that my children have their own inner voices and I hope those voices are strong and confident. If they make mistakes, I want them to hear themselves, not me. I am not the leading authority on my children’s minds and bodies. They are. By not giving them my voice, by not requiring manners, by allowing them the use of their own reason, I’m helping (or not getting in the way of) building a foundation underneath them, strong enough to support them through their adult lives. They shouldn’t have to spend any time, fighting off my voice, my unsolicited advice, or my opinions. If they *want* it, they will ask, and they do. If they don’t want it, then they will tell me, and I’ll shut up and butt out.

That is my case against *forced* manners. If my children ask me for a drink in an angry tone, I get them a drink and ask what’s wrong. If they sound urgent, I can get angry, or I can hurry and get them what they need so they can get back to whatever time sensitive activity they were doing. In my house, my kids and their emotions are real and they are cared about much, much more than being polite and using their manners.

Update:

I have gone back and changed a bit a wording. It seems that a lot of people are misunderstanding the message here. I am NOT rejecting the idea of being polite or being gracious. I’m rejecting the idea of forcing children to be that way. I’m rejecting the ideas of “magic words” and “forced manners” only being robotic pleases and thank yous. My oldest child is so polite and so gracious and so giving. I don’t require him to be that way. He does it because he it feels right to him. He sees his parents being that way and we know it’s important to give children societal expectations. However, we allow them to respond freely. There is also a lot of discussion in our home about situations and social cues.

Later in the day, after I heard the story about Milo I let him know, “She wanted you to say please”. He wasn’t rude in the way he asked, and neither was she. At age (barely) 4, he didn’t understand what she was looking for. I gave him the information he needed to address the situation next time. Being an unschooler is NOT an excuse for rudeness. However, being a parent is not an excuse for rudeness either and I feel that the traditional way of requiring *manners* is also quite rude.

I hope this addition to this post is helpful. I’m *really* appreciating the comments and discussion. If this post keeps being misunderstood, I may just take it down. I’m not ok with my readers thinking that I’m approving of rudeness, especially on the grounds of being an unschooler.

Sometimes I hear people calling it permissive parenting. I don’t really like the word “permissive”. It has a connotation of control. Like I’m allowing or not allowing something. I think one can have boundaries or implement boundaries without resorting to control, or in this case no control. I’m not sure if I like the word unparenting, because it says to me that I’m parenting differently. Like unschooling. So while there is no perfect word, there certainly is a description and a problem.

Sometimes, when I’m on message boards or groups I come across parents who take the extreme route of their interpretation of total freedom. They don’t step in when their child is hitting, name calling, or hurting someone else emotionally or physically. All in the name of freedom. How is that freedom? What about theirs, or others freedom? I don’t know if they are afraid they will do it wrong; or if they really think that’s what unschooling is. I think it’s irresponsible to leave the children to figure it out themselves. It’s irresponsible to not give them the information they need to communicate effectively. I’ve seen kids left to kick the crap out of each other way too often.

I have very active and physical boys. They are strong willed, and intense. One more so than the other. However, they communicate quite well. I’m not saying that communication lapses don’t happen, or that the kids don’t fight, or that I don’t screw up once in awhile. I’m saying that in my eyes, it’s not ok to hurt someone, emotionally or physically. If the boys are getting angry with each other and they are hitting, kicking, or hurting each other, I stop them. I physically stop them. I usually help the loser first. He needs my help first. I’ve also found that it’s best not to say anything at all to the other child. If child A sees me consoling child B, then he usually gets it. Yes, things can get complicated, but there are ways to help. Children don’t need to “cry it out” or “fight it out”. They need us to give them the tools to “figure it out”. We almost always talk later. In the heat of the moment is not the best time to talk. These are often the situations where I am perfectly ok with saying “no!” or something that conveys “this is not cool”.

Bad communication reverberates right down the line from grandparents to parents to children. This is where I’m trying to change. This is where many of us are trying to change. When I’m having a particularly bad day, which I’ve had a few since the pregnancy began, you can tell in my children. They are like little echoes of my own behavior. They feed off me. It’s a really huge responsibility, and it’s really hard sometimes. It’s a responsibility I took up when I had children and I’m not giving it up anytime soon.

• The HSLDA supports Mike Huckabee, who has an anti-homeschooling record. For that record go here. Michael Farris is (or was) a Baptist Minister. So maybe this came as no surprise.
• The HSLDA is a Christian organization that caters to the rights of Christian homeschoolers first.
• The HSLDA is not known for their support of unschoolers.
• The HSLDA promotes exclusivity. Browsing the rest of that site might bring you to more realizations.

Question: How does homeschooling work when often the parents are not accredited or college educated?

Answer: It works because often, especially with unschooling, the parents are as eager to learn as the child. Learning together is different than teaching. Teaching is (in school) forcing information onto the child either before they are ready, or when they don’t want it. When a parent and child learn together, they share not only an emotional bond, but the parent can allow the child the space to learn or figure things out on their own, building joy and the feeling of accomplishment. It’s no secret, that when the experience is joyful, children often learn more about it.

I see our unschooling as an extension of our lives. There is no separate place set specifically for learning. Learning happens as a result of living. Since we force no learning in our home, there is no resistance to learning opportunities. The children are living real lives, in real time, with real people. They don’t have to wait until they are 18 (or older in some cases) to “live their life” or “find themselves”. They are living now and they know who they are. They are using their knowledge now, not later.

Who better to raise a child than his/her own parents? When a child goes to school, the loss of parental rights is deplorable. Children at a young age are spending more and more time away from their home and family. Through homeschooling the family unit is generally stronger. Where many children in school grow up to resent their parents and think their parents are inadequate, in homeschooling you find a greater amount of respect and trust within the family.

Unschooled children have a continuing sense of adventure and discovery. The learning isn’t constrained by walls, subjects, books, or time. It merely includes these things when necessary. In addition, when a parent isn’t constrained by their own education, the learning can go even further.

Children are allowed to develop at their own pace. Children in school are automatically entered into a rat race. Suddenly their level of self awareness is on overload and here begins the social/emotional problems you very often see in school. Many times these problems overshadow academics. My oldest son started to display some of these problems in only Kindergarten! Since we brought him home, the bulk of these of these problems we previously witnessed have now disappeared. The rest are normal childhood issues, that were previously exacerbated by the others.

For me, unschooling has been incredibly healing. As modern human’s we all have inner voids. The way many of us were birthed, raised, and schooled has been a key factor as to why we unschool our own children. We are looking for that whole, nurturing, and loving relationship with our children that we intuitively know should be there. Some of us struggle, to not have to struggle. If that makes any sense.

On a certain message board I belong to, there has been a lot of discussion about “mother issues”. Issues with our own adult mothers. It is the most painful thing on earth to grow up misunderstood, unsupported and unloved by your own mother. It scars emotionally and intrinsically. The damage done from poor mothering is irreversible. It is imprinted on your soul like a bad tattoo.

Unschooling has given me and many others I have spoken with, a way to completely end the vicious cycle of parent-child detachment, and allowed them to heal there wounds in ways they (and I) never thought possible. Why do we, as humans, accept the angst ridden relationships that kids have with their parents these days, as normal? Why do we think that teenagers who harbor anger, guilt, and resentment are just growing up normally? It’s easy to blame the schools, the peers, and the media.

Many parents bet the problem lies within their children.

I bet not.